Saturday, March 17, 2012

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 8

Escenario 8
"Que Brilla la Luna"
Escrito por Talea

Outskirts of Town
Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on a table next to the "Caballeros", strewn with crumpled napkins, overturned Root beer bottles, and Chalupa wrappers. A disheveled bird dog, more rodent than canine, back paws on a chair and fore-feet on the table, laps up the remnants of Guapo Raul's abandoned chalupa. The cur carries on herself colonies of lice, mites, and the dust picked up from miles of Durango high-desert.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, completely distracted from their  hard day’s work on the rancho, as they watch the dog lap up the toxic snack.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  
Luna, the disheveled mutt (stupid dog talk is translated in parenthesis).
Yip, yip (Hmm. a subpar chalupa. Bold, with hints of raspberry, radiator coolant, and borax)

4 Lonely Cowboys at the table (mocking, with giggles and snorts)
Orale! This dog will die like Raquelita! We will have an asado tonight, no? She eats the poisoned chalupa of Guapo Raul!! Orale!



3 Lonely Cowboys at the bar (mocking, with giggles and snorts)
Si. Orale!

Still hungry, the mangy dog enters the men's room and sniffs a trail of chalupa droppings, leading her to the corpse of Raquelita in the urinal trough, a victim of Guapo Raul's chalupa. Luna proceeds to pounce on the dead woman's  stomach in the process of licking the remains of the Chalupa off  of  her face. A gurgling noise comes from Raquelita's pie-hole, and Luna tilts her head and sits down on her stomach, causing a stream of steaming already-consumed Chalupa to fly out of Raquelita and cover Luna.  Raquelita coughs as only a survivor from a terrible fate could.

Cue screaming violins



Raquelita
Luna! You are the Idiot Dog of the Sahara. Legend has it that only your heroics eclipse your profound stupidity. You have breathed life back into me with your filthy mouth. I thank you.

Luna, over-excited by the attention and the free meal, dashes in mad circles through the men's room as she urinates at the same time.

Raquelita

Luna, sit! There is no time for your estupidez. We must warn my brother before it is too late!

The revived wench and filthy mutt dash out of the saloon and into the sun-burnt, dusty village square smelling of urine and Chalupas. They see the Tres Primos surrounded by many banditos and one ninja. One cousin is standing all cool-like while  girl cousin looks at her I-phone and a less-muscular young man walks in circles on his toes, as if he has a wedgie.
Raquelita grabs the mutt by the scruff and they dive into a water trough.

Luna
Yip! (What the what?)

Raquelita (eyes widen with recognition of her dear nephews and neice)
Mi familia! 

Luna
Yip Yip (You mean to tell me that these three macho crime-fighting children are related to you?)

Raquelita gives Luna an evil glare. Luna whines and gives her a look that says, "well.."

Raquelita 
This whole dying and coming back to life in a urinal trough has caused me to forget the long rift I have had with mi familia.
Since I was a young campesina, my family has been a curse to my love life.

Luna
Yip yip (Poor you.)

From the soggy safety of the water trough, the forlorn barmaid and the mangy mutt watch the biggest primo struggle with the banditos and a ninja while practicing his improv technique.  

Raquelita
I can't take it any more!

Luna watches as her one and only partner in crime dashes out to  the fight , running exactly like Buddy the Elf in the movie Elf. She ends side by side with the ninja, doubled over and panting from her sprint from the water trough to the fight twenty feet away. The long lost aunt, however, goes un-noticed  by the three crime-fighters.
The girl taps at her Iphone while elbowing a bandito at the same time. The third primo stumbles onto a plunger-like device that really has no business being on the set of a Mexican Telenovela. 
The camera cuts to slow motion. Young girl drops her phone (slowly).


Talea (slowly)
Nicky, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Tigre (slowly)
Did you hear about the horse that entered a saloon......

Nicky (slowly)
Holy cannoli!

Nicky slips on a banana peel strategically placed by a production assistant. His feet in the air, he lands square on the plunger, causing an explosion that fills the village square with  dust, smoke, fire, and bits and pieces of banditos, ninjas, and Raquelita. Only  Los Tres Primos are left unscathed. 

Camera cuts to water trough. Only the murky chalupa-tinted water is left. 


Luna
Yip Yip! (What the what!!!)


Talea
Did you here something?


Tigre (sniffing )
I smell Chalupas


Nicky
And-sniff-urine?


Luna chomps down on Nicky's leg. Camera scans faces:  Talea, face as white as chalk, watches the dog try to dislodge her cousin's foot from his ankle. Tigre's face  cannot be seen because he is doubled over with laughter.  Nicky's face is contorted  with pain


Nicky (FInally shaking the dog from his foot )
What the what was that for?!?


Luna  (shivering with anger )
Yip! Grrr!  (You killed your aunt!)


Talea, who had been scouraging around her purse for the safety-kit, stops dead and drops  the purse.  Tigre, who had been wiping tears of laughter from his face, lets his hands drop to his sides. Nicky, who had been rubbing his injured ankle, drops to his  knees with shock. He gives a high-piched scream that somewhat takes away the dramatics of it all.
Cue screaming violins, then  Amor Asqueroso theme music.

Cue Purina Ugly Dog Chow commericial.
End Scene 8


Monday, March 12, 2012

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 7

ESCENARIO 7
"La Cascara del Platano"
Escrito por Tigre
DURANGO DURANGO, Mexico
FADE: Camera zooms in on a town square completely empty save for three people. One is an extremely muscular and well-known masked wrestler named, “Tigre.” The other man, less muscular, wears a cowboy hat and camo pants. Lastly, a normal young woman with an I-phone. 
Tigre is standing all-cool like while his manager, the young woman named Talea, is looking at her I-phone while the less-muscular man, Tigre’s towel boy, is walking around like he has a wedgie. 
TIGRE: Speaking in a fake Spanish accent.
Where eez he? Where eez the man I’m searching for? Where eez Raul?
NICKY: The wedgied one speaking Canadian
I searched all over town but I found nothing, eh?
TIGRE
Then I have lost the trail! 
TALEA: No accent, and reading from her I-phone
Actually, he’s in Czech Republic.
TIGRE
I can’t believe those idiots are posting their whereabouts on that silly blog! So easy to track them!!!
CAMERA zooms out to show the three cousins surrounded by banditos. And one Ninja. 
TIGRE
Looks like we’re going to have to fight our way out of this.
CAMERA shows Tigre giving the Ninja a roundhouse kick and proceeding to beat up many other banditos. Meanwhile, Nicky and Talea quickly bolt out of the way and Nicky, being wedgied klutz he is, slips on a banana peel and slides into an oddly placed plunger, triggering a strange and comedic chain reaction leading to a stockpile of dynamite to be activated. The dynamite proceeds to blow up the entire town square. Tigre walkes out of the smoke, victorious. He quickly puts his foot up on some debris and points eastward and announces ….
TIGRE
To the Czech Republic!!!
TALEA
I’ll order the plane tickets.
NICKY
I’ll get the luggage, eh?
Talea slaps Nicky so hard he falls over.
NICKY
Why’d you do that, eh?
TALEA
It’s a Telenovela. 
FADE OUT
CUT TO COMMERCIAL: Nueske's Applewood Smoked Canadian Bacon

Friday, March 02, 2012

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 6



Escenario 6
"Meo en Mis Pantalones"
Escrito por Sobrina Holly


Fade in: Lush green grass covers rolling hills dotted by gravemarkers. Here and there, crumbling stone crypts lie half-hidden in the ominous fog. Dramatic, scary music plays, as this is truly a dramatic and scary place.

Pepino: This is truly dramatic and scary place, Fournay. Are you sure that Montenegro woman is to be trusted? And what of that chemistry locura?

Fournier: Silence, mariachi, I already told you. I am the great journalist Ron Fournay; my sources are good. You know, there is a lesson to be learned here about listening the first time ...

(Cut to Pepino's eyes, widening in panic.)

Pepino: Estoy escuchando, I'm listening!

Fournier: Like I said, my sources are good and Ms. Montenegro is the best. She may be lost when it comes to chemistry, but she knows Farrell.

(Suddenly, a gust of wind howls through the graveyard and the dense fog swirls around the two men. Pepino grasps his sombrero just as it begins to fly off his egg-white bald spotted headed. It begins to drizzle, ominously.)

Pepino: Well then let's find this crypt your espía spoke of.

(The two men begin searching the graveyard, their shoes squeaking in the muddy ground. The drizzle intensifies into a downpour and raindrops begin to pool in the gringo mariachi's sombrero. Suddenly: a victorious shout, followed by dramatic organ music that rises sharply in anticipation. The camera pans to Fournay, who stands beside the oldest crypt in the yard. The crumbled facade almost obscures the name carved above the heavy, stone door. But as the camera swiftly zooms in, one can just make out the word "Farrell". The organ music reaches its peak.)

Pepino: The Farrell bastard! This is his family's crypt!

(Quite suddenly, a voice from off-camera speaks in a deep, manly-man way)

Voice: Si, you have found the Farrell crypt. I hoped you would, as I have been waiting in this dramatic and scary graveyard for your arrival. Now, señor, prepare to die.

(A figure steps out from behind the Farrell crypt. He is a 40+ year old handsome Mexican cowboy with leathery skin. A ten-gallon hat rests on his head, shielding his rugged face from the cold rain. The organ music returns.)
Pepino: Raul! (Cue terrified, azure eyes.)

Fournier: What is this? Why does this cowboy want to kill you, mariachi?

(Fournier recieves no answer, as Raul and Pepino embark on a fierce staring contest. The camera jumps from one man's eyes to another. One set of eyes are a deep blue and terrified, while the others are chocolate and murderous.)
Fournier: I demand you explain what is going on. Why must you kill the mariachi? We have right to know the truth!

(Quick cut to black.)

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