Sr. Letterman

This ol' pickle couln't sleep last night. Instead, I watched late night boob-tube. D. Letterman made me laugh with his "Olympic Question":

Question: What's the difference between the four man bobsled and the two man bobsled?

Answer: Two men

His show is always enlightening and fact-filled. PBS featured Paul McCartney at Abby Road. There was an info-mercial, as well. Who needs sleep?

Desvelado,

Pepino S.

Ralph Tenia Hambre

The fifth graders at Uncle Pepino's Home for the Wayward Guerken illustrated a wonderful story told in Spanish. Here are a couple examples of their craft:














El Cuento:
Habia un muchacho que se llamaba Ralph. Ralph tenia un problema. El tenia hambre. El queria comer papas fritas. Ralph fue en un bus rojo a McDonalds. No habian papas fritas en McDonalds. Ralph lloro', y lloro', y lloro'.

Atentamente,
Profr. Pepino Suave

Highes and Lows

The public relations department of the Pepino Suave Institute of Yippee-Skippee Games, Songs, and Stories has been inundated with requests from around the globe for a more "personal perspective" of the heart of the institute, the clan Pepino. After a lengthy second or two of modest, "aw, shucks", and "who'd want to read about us?" We decided to share with you one of our titilating household routines, the daily "Highs and Lows" ("oooooohs," and "aaaaahs" in the background), which are normally discussed over dinner in the Casa De Pepino. Today's Altibajos:

Pepinita: My high was, um, was school. My low was, aaaah, having to do this (Pepinita has tired of this daily "high-low" routine. It has lost all meaning).

Pepina: My high was catching up with everybody (Pepino came home and the phone was still warm to the touch). My low was: I can't really say I had a low (Pepina's always this positivo).

Pepino, El Mas Suave: My high was the cheese that Pepina puts on our lunch sandwiches. Pepper Jack. Puts a zing in the ol' lunch bag. Something to look forward to all morning. My low was that our nieghbor, Rooftop Ralph, slipped on the ice while walking his dog around midnight, and spent a good hour on the cold cement shouting for help. Broke his shoulder. Glad he wasn't on the roof...

Para servirles,

Pepino Suave y familia

El Cazador

Queridos Lectores,
My much-older brother Rocky, of butternut squash fame, has forwarded this pickled clan a hilarious video game . We'd like to share it with you, our thousands of beloved readers from around the globe. Double click on "El Cazador" above and snicker with abandon.

Cuidado con donde disparas,

P.Suave

Calor Humano

A Pepino Pause

The purpose of life is to increase the warm heart. Think of other people. Serve other people sincerely. No cheating.

-The Dalai Lama

Aumentando mi corazon,

Pepino Para Servirle

Gorditas

On Friday, staff and students at P.Suave's Home for Wayward Guerkins prepared and consumed mexican gorditas. Everyone enjoyed the Durango treat. Pictured are several helping hands preparing the gorditas, and Profesor Suave himself posing for history.

Buen provecho,

Pepino Cocinero

-2F

It is cold. Had I run this morning, I'd be a pepinosickle. Cars crunch throught the streets, it's so cold. It's so cold, we can hear Grandma and Bompa Pepino say, "Eat your frozen hearts out," all the way from Hurricane Alley. Osama Bin Laden, upon perusing the Cuke County weather report, is quiet happy with his surroundings, it's so cold. My, there is such a chill the paperboy won't make it 'till sundown; we'll be reading the backs of the cereal boxes 'till noon. It's not just the cold, it's the lack of humidity. It is so cold, had I left my remaining bottle of genuine Mexican taquila out on the stoop, it mighta' got slushy. Maybe not. Still, it's plenty cold. It's so cold, coffee tastes better. I gotta think Cheney called off the hunt today, it is so cold. Hey, did you hear "Allah" Gore blamed the cold on the U.SA., it's so cold? The chill forced Brittney to sit her baby under the dash closer to the heat vent. It's is so cold the Greenpeace spokesperson on global warming had no comment today. It is so cold Ted Kennedy is calling for the impeachment of the President, stating, "It's so cold. The President's people knew days before that it was going to be cold!" It is so cold, Pepinita doesn't want to climb her tree today. It is too cold to garden today. It's so cold Pepina's indoor plants got frostnipped. The Pepino Suave Express, an inanimate minivan to some, is leaning toward the Casa de Pepino for warmth, it's so cold (while Pepina's Asian Express is housed nice and cozy in the Casa de Pepino's 1/2 car garage). It is so icy, the Pepinoville librarian seems to have a warm demeanor (still no waivers on late fees. Period).
It is cold.

Invernal,

Pepino Cobijado

Change In The Weather

A winter storm has hit Cuke County like Vice-presidential buckshot. Pepina's school is on a two-hour delay, and Pepinita and I are watching CUKE T.V. for the fate of our school days.
Stoke the fire, it may be a long cold one this weekend.

Hace mucho frio,

Pepino Helado

Bondad

A Pepino Pause

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.
-Lao Tzu

Hagamos algito bonito hoy,

Pepino Positivo

Juguetes

I have always been amazed at children's creativity. I've seen kids create games using discarded bike tires, plastic containers, and other 'trash'. During my time in the Dominican Republic I watched in amazement as children played baseball with balled-up duct tape, and folded cardboard squares for mitts. In a vacuum empty of internet, video games, and fabricated playscapes, kids tend to create. In the Dominican Republic, and many other parts of the world, the children's own imagination is their Toys 'Er Us.
The Dominican photagrapher Jaime Jimenez has published a collection of photographs that document the toys that Dominican children have made with their own hands and minds from whatever they find in their midst. Click on Juguetes above, or on the sidebar to view Mr. Jimenez' beautiful gallery of children's ingenuity.

Con todo respeto,

Pepino S.

La Cucarracha

Pepinoville saw the snow fly this week. After days of gloomy slop, this place is finally looking like winter, for crying out loud. Snow, and freezing temperatures have overcome the effects of global warming this week. We love it. Folks don't realize, but the cold keeps the cockroaches small. Snowbirds figure that out right quick. There are bugs down south that'd make an Orkin man squeal.
Pepino Suave recalls a cockroach as big as a saucer. It was back in the early nineties, when our pickled pal lived in the Carribean. He was visiting the house of an American friend (the house, from a U.S. point of view, was more the size of a tool shed). The friend, new to the Carribean, wanted to get rid of the omnipresent pests in the abode (he was oblivious to the omnipresent characteristic of the roach). Having brought bug bombs from the states, he placed them around the shack, ignited them, and we headed into town for refreshments. Upon returning, we opened the door to find dozens of huge cockroaches, belly-up, covering his residence. They adorned the bed, table top, and everywhere on the cement floor. We swept them, rattling like bottle caps, out the door. A gaggle of neighborhood chickens congregated outside the door like a mob of offended Muslims, pecking at the carcasses, and carrying them off in their beaks to snack on outside the perimeter of the poultry, only to hop back into the fray for seconds, thirds, and so on (there were a lot of cockroaches, their shells shining in the sun). In the middle of the frenzy were three chickens skirmishing over the remains of a cockroach the size of said saucer. Each had a piece of the pest, and were pulling on him with all their might. It was a sight for the Animal Kingdom show that used to be on t.v. when Pepino S. was a mere geurkin.
So brave the mad winters, midwesterners. It tames the yucky side of nature.

Sin creaturas grandes,

Pepino del Invierno

Bromas de Vaquera

Question: Where should an 800 pound gorilla go?
Answer: On a diet.

Submitted by Vaquera, a very funny fifth grader.

Siempre bromando,

P.S.

Obras Estudiantiles

How's this for student work? Two of my students at Uncle Pepino's Home for the Wayward Guerkins submitted these stories for publication (pardon the lack of appropriate Spanish punctuation. Librace sent me keyboard help for this weeks ago, but I still haven't read the volumn of information yet.):

El Lobo Esta Triste

por Panal Sucio

El Lobo esta triste. El Lobo no tiene agua o leche o frutas. El lobo va a D&W. El lobo compra comida. El lobo agarra hamburguesas, frutas, y pan. El lobo va a su casa. El lobo cierra la puerta y se sienta en el sofa. El lobo come hamburguesa, fruta y pan. Ahora, el loba esta bien.

El lobo Esta Furioso

por Cerda Rara

El lobo no come por tres dias. El Lobo tiene hambre. El lobo va a la refrigeradora y abre la puerta. El lobo grita, "Oh no, oh no, no hay comida." El lobo esta furioso. El lobo va a D&W. El lobo compra hamburguesa y papas fritas. El lobo come hamburguesa y papas fritas. El lobo va a su casa y duerme.

Eternamente orgulloso,

Profesor Suave

El Tecno Numero 1

Pepino Suave is featured on the website of the Escuela Tecnica Numero 1 (Durango, Mexico)the school at which he taught English and trained as an Extreme Mariachi artist during the fall 2005 semester. He is pictured prominently on the home page (upper-right with the Mariachi sombrero), as well as several other pictures including the Desayuno 2006, and various action shots taken on campus. Double click on El Tecno No. 1 at the side bar to your right. Share it with friends.

El super famoso,

Pepino Bailerin

Tecnologia

Here
I give you, dear reader and taxpayer, a look at the technology that ol' Pepino Suave intergrates into his Yippy Skippy Foriegn Language Program. Your tax money at work, I like to say. Pictured here is an Overhead Projector model 620, manufactured by our friends at 3M and considered the Buick of overheads. It is not only used as a stage for our friends and other assorted props, why it also projects illustrations of our stories of love and loss, as well as text of the same (in Spanish, claro). Located on a cart with wheels, it is mobile and features shelves and collapsible tops onto which we put our matamoscas, rubber chickens, plastic food replicas, and other essentials to instruction. When we begin our Spanish Arobics, it is easily rolled into a corner, away from peligro.

The staff here at Pepino Sauve Yippy Skippy Language Programs is exhaustive in its efforts to keep you potential school board milage propents informed of where your tax dollars are spent. Vote yes. Bob the Gorilla always does, you should, too.

Vota si',

Prof. Pepino Suave

Pepinoville Elementary School

Pepinita had another action-packed week at one of the finest educational establishments in Cuke County, the Pepinoville Elementary School for the Garden Variety. Today, she recounts a spellbinding event that unfolded in her homeroom this week:

Yesterday at school I put my back pack into my locker, I went into my classroom and I sat down at my desk until everbody else came, but who was sitting at her desk? Why Berenjena! And then the bell rang and everyone came into our classroom and this girl in my classroom, her name was Tulipan, saw something that Berenjena was doing. She kept looking and looking at Berenjena and I did, too. Sooner our later we found out what she was doing. She was ripping up her pants and drawing all around her pants, too. And so Tulipan telled on her. And then, after she got telled on Berenjena putted permanent marker on her lips! And kept putting permanent marker on her lips! And this time I wondered what she was doing and I looked longer and longer and longer and I saw she was drawing on her lips and I telled on her and she had to flip a card and so she had to have a note sent home to her mom and dad. I didn't feel that good about telling on her. And by the way, she is only four or five years old and she doesn't know how to count by ones to one hundred and she's in first grade. That's all I can tell you folks. Bye.

The Pepino Suave Editorial Board adds:
Permanent markers should not be in our children's schools. No child should be left behind with stained lips. This is an outrage, and it is no doubt funded by the Bic, Crayola, and Expo corporate lobby. Get these conglomerates, and the taint of their tools out of our children's desks and Must Do centers. Act now, and write your congressman or congresswoman. Or send us money, and we'll do it when we get a chance. Maybe after the harvest...

Desafuriado,

Pepino Suave
Un humilde padre

La Ratita

Ask yourself, "Self, what would I do in a moment of choice? What would I do if a grown woman got so caught up in unplanned home improvement projects that she dragged a tarp in from the garage in the middle of winter so as to protect the new carpet from spilled stain, only after her condescending husband asked her what dress she'd like to be laid out in if she spilled stain on the new carpet instead of Grandma's desk that probably had no sentimental value to Grandma but apparently does to her grand-daughter-in-law, and in with the tarp she dragged in a MOUSE?
Well, in that said moment of choice, Pepina squeeled like a stuck, er, she squeeled, um, real loud. Pepinita screeched like a night owl and climbed the sofa like a mountain goat. Pepino Suave, you might have guessed, performed as cool as a cucumber. Yes sir, as cool as one of Farmer Buchard's finest Essex County Cuke's. Eighty shiny cents a bushel, no less. I ain't called Pepino Sauve for nada.

***

Hours after Pepina's Martha Stuart Trance (MRT), we were snuggled in the den; fire crackling in the hearth, family programming on the tube, Grandma's desk drying in the corner (the fumes from the stain inhibiting our usual snacking jones). Li'l Pepinita and I were sharing the couch, and Sra. Pepina opted for Uncle Bob's Leather Recliner of the Gods that is broken-in better than any baseball mitt I've ever seen. As quickly as you could say, "What are you thinking?", Ingrid jumps on us like a flying monkey on Dorothy. She hugged me like I was the last life preserver on the Titanic. My shout of, "What the...?!" was muffled by her right shoulder, or her clavical, I can't be certain, but it was muffled, anyway. She gripped me tighter than she would a half-off whatyamicallet at a Kohl's sale.
"A mouse crawled into the fireplace!" she yell/screeches, depending on who's telling the story. My brain is starved for oxygen yet she squeezes harder and yells, "It just ran out of the fireplace!" Now Pepinita is on her toes like no world-class balerina could, balancing on the top of the couch yelling something like, "Ooooooh, oooooh!" I struggle from Pepina the College Athlete's grip, she simultaneously joins her daughter atop the couch, a la Balerina Barby, and I launch after the rodent. That's right, Pepino Suave persued the mouse in a room the size of brother Mike's wet bar. In my efforts, barefoot by the way, I hit every wall and skinned a toe on the fireplace but made no headway with Mickey's kin. I grumbled incoherently under my breath not only to indirectly place blame, but to give the impression that the weight of the free world rested on my lonely shoulders, as well. Meanwhile, the gals maintained the exact same pose as described above.

With only enough sense to know that, if I couldn't keep up with the J.V. girls in high school cross country, this ol' Pepino wasn't going to out run vermin; I set out for the garage to find the rat traps. Once armed with peanut butter and sunflowers, I placed them about the den and off we went to bed. A side note, only a sliver of our obese-king-size bed was utilized that night, between the three of us.
We wake up from our dilled slumber this morning, and the dames won't leave the bed unless I go check the traps; Talea claiming she saw mouse turds by the bathroom door.

Sleepy eyed, I made for the den. The trap under Grandma's desk I checked first. Licked clean of Skippy, it was still armed. Sneaky critter. I go over to the trap by the fireplace only to find a little rat deader n' Jack Abremoff''s (sp?) career (As a lobbyist, anyway. Word has it that he and Rocky are working on a book deal). I do a little Pepino Suave victory dance and the girls come out of hiding like its V-day or something. We hug, I got some well deserved pats on the back, the girls show some misplaced grief for their former foe ("liefershlot" murmers my now somber Dutch wife), and life goes on. End of story.
Still, this incident might remind some of our long-time readers of a little rope-a-dope Yours Truly had with a Mexican winged rat back in September. Any of you thousands of new readers might want to go over to the sidebar there and double click on early September and find out for yourself (El Murcielago, Sept 1, 2005. Enjoy).

Ol' Pepino just can't stop saving the world for his beloved Pepinas...

El Pepino Mas Macho,

Pepino Ratero

Bob La Gorila

Bob La Gorila made a rare stop in Pepinoville this week for a photo shoot. Before the Pepino Suave staff could interview him, he was back on the road, en route to Buttzville, New Jersey, by way of Bugscuffle, Tennesse. As always, he travels in his Winobago searching for the very finest yippy skippy games, songs, and stories. He left two brand-new and costly matamoscas, and some goofy stories about a lobo and a gatita. Some fella' mistook the matamoscas for flyswatters. We just about busted a gut laughing. Flyswatters. Absurdo.

Nos vemos en Toadsuck Arkansas,

Pepino S.

Domino

The 2006 Pepino Suave International Program of Yippy Skippy Games, Songs, and Stories will include Dominoe Fridays. Above you see las manos y las fichas in action, during a recent Friday afternoon tournament. Priceless.
You want to play? Well here are the Rules (translated for your monolingual convenience; I write with an air of bilingual arrogance):
Las Reglas: 1. Only Spanish spoken (see dominoe vocabulary below), 2. No dominoes on floor or in any body cavity, 3. Spanish Fridays only if all our work is done.

Dominoe Vocabulary*: Yo tengo I have it, yo paso I pass, tu turno your turn, impate tied, agarra siete grab seven, doble seis double six, llamo mi abodado, I'm calling my lawyer.
* This is just a jump start vocabulary to get our monolingual friends up and running.
Juego mucho,

Pepino Domino

Black Bean Chorizo Soup

The staff has been flooded by requests for information about the Black Bean Chorizo soup that was referenced in this blog, and in a lesser-known blog (inkyfournier.blogspot.com). Pepino Suave, your servant of dilled information, has been asked to provide some background about the dish.
I read about it in the newspaper. Not often do you see chorizo in the neighborhood newspaper (the Hispanic population in Pepinoville decreases dramatically at nightfall), so the word pretty near launched itself off the page and slapped me in the face. The slap sobered me up a bit, and helped me remember the fresh chorizo I have been saving in our freezer. Alfonsina, my Mexican Fulbright Exchange partner, prepared a big batch of homemade chorizo while she stayed with us last summer, prior to our emmigration to Durango. It was her own secret formula, of which Pepina, Pepinita, and I only remember that it contained three different types of chiles (we traveled far out of the Pepinoville metropolitan area to find them), and that Alfonsina set the concoction out on the counter for three days, covered with a dish towel as if it were a mass of bread dough.
Anyway, I already had the main ingredient, so I gathered the rest at the local grocers (after phoning lovely Pepina several times from the market to confirm what ingredients were already in our pickled pantry; never predicting her hostile reaction), and returned home with the hope of putting some food on the table, after a long day at the salt mines. The rest of the story is well documented, if not sufficiently appreciated, in "that other blog".

Si, Machos Andan En La Cocina,

Pepino Cocinero