Escenario 13

"El Gnomo"

Escrito por Anna "La Hija" Rumpz

Camera zooms out, revealing the Thug Will Ferrell in a dark cell surrounded by garden gnomes.  He shows particular interest in a big-breasted she-gnome wearing a fake rhinestone tiara and lots of mascara.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  Oh, my decorative brethren!  If only you had been able to explain the purpose of my mission to that tired, cranky judge after I freed you from those unsightly flowers.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  He would not have understood, mi querida.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  You are right, mi amor.  But you do.  You understand.  Promise me that you will never reveal my whereabouts again.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  Of course not, nino, why would I?

Will Ferrell the Thug gives a relieved sigh.

Fade to a barren desert in Durango.  The gringo Mariachi rides in a red convertible.  He is not alone.  Zoom in.

Gringo Mariachi (reading a map--an incredibly dangerous thing to do when you are driving about 40 mph above the speed limit):  All right, Flower.  Which prison is it?

Roped, Big-breasted figure (voice full of malice):  It's the only one you will see out here, estupido:  gray, tall and with barbed wire fences.

The convertible soon putters to a stop in front of a tall, gray building with a barbed wire fence.  Gringo Mariachi enters with the roped-up Linoleum Queen.

Gringo Mariachi:  I am here to visit Will Ferrell, my . . . (short pause) step-brother.  Yeah, step-brother.  This is his sister-in-law.

Weary-looking guard (checks clipboard):  I am sorry, it appears that Mr. Ferrell was bailed out two days ago by . . . Mrs. Quinn Meulolee.  He left behind several elf-like creatures, although strangely enough he would not leave the prison without the big-breasted one.  Would you like to take the ones he left behind?

Gringo Mariachi:  No thank you, kind sir.  (Walks back to car, where a thought strikes him).  HEY, Quinn Meulolee . . . that spells Linoleum Queen!!

The Linoleum Queen starts to run-hop thru the Durango desert as she is still bound by the ropes.  Gringo Mariachi grabs her.

Gringo Mariachi:  Tell me the truth now, you got that, amiga? 

The Linoleum Queen nods, eyes wide.

Gringo Mariachi (slowly and carefully):  Where is Will Ferrell?  Do not send me on another wild goose chase.

Linoleum Queen:  He is in Nurnberg, Germany filming a movie under the alias "Friedrick Heil."  That's all I know, I swear to you.

Gringo Mariachi (miserably):  N-o-o-o-o!  You have got to be kidding me!!!  I do not speak German.  I have to travel all the way across the planet so that Will Ferrell the Thug's thievery may be avenged? All because you bailed him out.  After I take care of the Thug Will Ferrell, I'll be back to deal with you.  

Zoom out skyward as Gringo Mariachi despairs piteously.                 

      

Escenario 12

"El Juez Cansado y Malhumorado"

Escrito por Pixie "La Licensiada" Rumpz

As many--including Fournay, the gringo, and the trio of kids--search the world for the bastard Will Ferrell, a conversation is taking place at the Our Really Divine Lady of the Pure and Holy Souls Church in Los Angeles:

The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished):   I MUST know, Padre.  Where oh where is my baby?  Please, please have mercy.  Please tell me where he is.

The Padre (calmly, serenely):  It is too late.  The boy is in a good home.  In fact, I understand that the boy has met the President; been held by the President!  And, remember why you first came to me.  Remember why you asked for my help. 

The scene goes fuzzy--a flashback to not that long ago:

A Courtroom.  Present are a medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (who badly wants to be bigger breasted and would be if she wasn't stuck in a mediocre paying mid-level government job), a shady, ethically-challenged defense lawyer, a tired, cranky judge, and the defendant--the bastard Will Ferrell.   The medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair is making her summation to an avidly interested jury.  They clearly are captivated by her oratory prowess. 

Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (her voice rings thru the courtroom with the righteousness of 1000 angels):   The bastard Will Ferrell is but a common thief.  He has run roughshod thru this fine city stealing garden gnomes . . .

Suddenly there is an interruption and the bastard Will Ferrell stands up at defense table.

The bastard Will Ferrell (dramatically):  I stole nothing.  I merely was freeing my elf-like brethren from a life of standing uselessly in gardens, lonely and without purpose.  Yes, my brethren were decorative additions to city gardens everywhere but they want to be so much more  . . .        

The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily):  Silence bastard Will Ferrell.  Scummy defense counsel, control your client!  Medium breasted government lawyer with big hair, please, continue on with your riveting summation.   And, by the way, your medium sized breasts are lovely.  Just sayin'.  But, I digress.  Continue. 

Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (smirking at scummy defense counsel and then batting her eyelashes flirtatiously at the tired and cranky judge):  Thank you, Your Very Handsome and Very Strong Honor.  The bastard Will Ferrell thinks because he is a big star that he can do anything!  Why there is even talk that he once stole a screenplay from a bald gringo mariachi.   As is obvious, his urge to steal is all-consuming.  It cannot be controlled.  I beseech you:  Protect your property.  Protect your things.  You must find him guilty and send him to prison.

Suddenly there is another interruption in the courtroom as a very pregnant former beauty queen stands up in the gallery.

The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished, her big breasts heaving, her mascara running down her face from crying):  Do not send him to prison, I beg of you.  I am carrying his baby and I do not possess the skills or the intelligence to be a single parent.  I cannot raise this child on my own.  I have no money.  My baby needs its father--even if his father is a bastard.  Have mercy.    

The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily):  Someone slap that big breasted woman.  

A slap rings thru the courtroom as a nearby unidentified bystander slaps the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet.

The bastard Will Ferrell is found guilty.  As he is led out of the courtroom in handcuffs he shouts out to the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (who now is sporting a big red hand print on the side of her face).

The bastard Will Ferrell:   If a gringo comes looking for me, do not tell him I am in prison.  Send him on a wild goose chase.  Tell him I am on location for a film.  Tell him anything but never divulge where I am.  The gringo must never find me.  He must never find me.  Te amo, mi amor.  

Fade to a dark prison cell; camera is in close-up on the bastard Will Ferrell's face, seen thru the cold, gray, steel prison bars.  It appears he may be muttering to himself.

The bastard Will Ferrell:   . . . must not find me  . . . must not find me.    

Fade out. 

  

Amor Asqueroso/ Pasqua Edition

"La Locura"

Escrito por Nicky

Open scene in eastern Europe;  four Gringos, one senorita, and a mangy mutt. The men have scraggly beards, except for the pre-pubescent El Tigre, for he is a cowardly child. Ron Fournay, the famous journalist, is showing signs of insanity, writing indecipherable articles about flying bananas, and the second coming of Joseph Stalin. Talea, whom we have taken to calling La Criada, is trying desperately to find WiFi so she may tweet about her insane uncle, and some cucumber she couldn't figure out. El Tigre is passed out on the floor softly convulsing, apparently having a nightmare. Finally, El Centinela (Nicky) is keeping a silent vigil over all, watching for  Will Farrell, whom he and the great Pepino Suave abhorred. 
(Mumbling from El Tigre):  mmmmrrrrrrroooooohhhhhahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!




All of a sudden, three  pairs of hazard lights appear in the distance. El Centinela quickly awakens the others, except for El tigre and La Criada, because they would have been no help. Suddenly, all come to a conclusion that they should attempt to help any victims.

El Centinela  

Come on!  Vamanos!  Everybody let's go!

               So they swiftly jog towards the lights, wary of a trick from Will Ferrell. 

Fournay  

This clearly was a car wreck!  Is anyone still alive?  

They notice symbols on the vehicles, a hammer and sickle crossed over a red star. Fournay quickly identifies this symbol as the symbol of the Red Army.

Fournay 

"But the Red Army was disbanded post cold war, after the Berlin Wall fell! This cannot be!"


 A feminine grunt off to the left of Pepino is heard by all. An immediate silence falls among the group. Pepino goes to check it out.

Pepino

There is a woman here.  She is mangled very badly.  Look!  She is wearing Russian military fatigues!  The symbol stitched onto her chest is the symbol of the Red Army.  Look at her chest! there is a medal that shows her rank, which is obviously very high.

She is concious, but barely so. Pepino sends El Centinela to get La Criada and El Tigre. He quickly returns, but obviously something is wrong. He begins to explain to Fournay, who writes it all down,  then repeats it to all. El Centinela returns to the cemetery.

El Centinela

Where are El Tigre and La Criada?  Not that anyone cares...

He immediately returns to the scene of the crash. Pepino Suave notices a smile creep across the woman's face, but he figures she is loopy, due to her current state. They quickly decide to make a makeshift stretcher out of materials like seat covers and the axles of the cars. They carry her back to Durango in the stretcher, careful not to hurt her.


           When they arrive at the hospital the woman, or as they had taken to calling her, La Comandante, is rushed to the emergency room, where she is diagnosed with blindness in her left eye. They are not family so they are encouraged to leave. Following their departure from the hospital, they ask around town.

Pepino Suave

Have you seen any large groups, with two children following along?

They continue asking about anyone who looks overly suspicious, or who has the symbol from the cars on their clothes.  They are told that there has been a group of them who have left about an hour ago, which is just before El Centinela has journeyed back to the cemetery, but there had been two children with them, they seemed to be heading northwest. (cue sharp gasp and forewarning music). The group consults their magic map, who quickly breaks into song.

Map

(pleasantly singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map! 


They peer at the map, looking for anything that would be a reason to go northwest, and they see nothing, just a barren landscape; but then Fournay points out the small mountain that was not far from here, it was labeled Mt. Kilamaneverdoom. Here, they think, the men took their useless lackies!

El Fin 

Escenario 10

Scene 10
By Mom/Dad
Durango, Durango, Mexico

Cue Music: A slow country tune backed by Mrs. Soft Pickle strumming her instrument.

As the fog clears we see a park, in a small city, somewhere in North America.

       (Hint: it looks a lot like West Michigan and it is a Grand River.)

Two folding chairs are open near the river. In them sits an old man and his wife.

The music swells as a dark cloud gathers about them. A thunderous noise is heard growing louder and louder as a jet plane flies low over the river.

A large crate is dropped from the open door of the plane; a chute opens and the crate slowly drops to earth. S L O W L Y is starts to open.

The music continues to grow louder and faster.

Just as an opening appears in the crate a large explosion occurs sending the crate and the old couple sailing into the river.

Smoke and fog block the view as the scene and the music fade.

Cut to Commercial: The Loungemobile, the motorized lounge chair (easy-to-maintain canvas with aluminum frame, slant 6 mopar engine and a free cup holder if you order now)

Escenario 9

Scene 9
By Mike (tinkered with by P. Suave)
Durango, Durango, Mexico

The scene opens in the same dusty, old saloon. The same old cowboys sit in the same old chairs.

Once again a tall, dark figure appears at the door. The room is silent as the stranger enters the bar. The doors swing into the room and he takes a step inside. Suddenly he lurches forward and crashes to the floor. The crowd gasps as the handsome cowboy scrambles to his feet.

 

El Pelo: I'm O.K.!

 

A breeze blows through the saloon  as the cowboys shift in their seats. The stranger removes his 10-gallon hat and runs his thick fingers through a beautiful head of hair. He's wearing a white dress shirt and tight parachute pants. Think Fabio with man-boobs.

 

El Pelo: I am El Pelo and I'm here to avenge my sisters death. Actually her death, resurrection and death a second time. Where can I find the man with the deadly chalupas?

 

Cowboys: Tee hee

 

El Pelo: Don't toy with me. I must find him. My sister ate his chalupa and now she's dead. I understand he has a chalupa for my brother, Pepino Suave, also.

 

Cowboys: Tee hee

 

Off camera: Tio Miguel! Tio Miguel!

 

Three teens come running  from the bathroom

 

Three teens:. We're so glad you're here!. 

 

All three are runining with scissors, a Fournier family taboo. Alas, in the excitement at seeing their beloved uncle, they race to hug the hairball, accidently plunging their child-safe scissors into El Pelo´s ample man-boobs. Blood runs down his parachute pants as he turns to look in a mirror and takes his last breath. Tio Miguel falls to the floor like an over-filled, Lake Erie-grade sand bag. Camera cuts to three horrified teens with bloody child-safe scissors clutched in their hands. 

 

Cue: Nutty horror show violin music.

Cut to commercial: BreastBeGone: Male breast augmentation.

 

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 8

Escenario 8

"Que Brilla la Luna"

Escrito por Talea

Outskirts of Town

Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on a table next to the "Caballeros", strewn with crumpled napkins, overturned Root beer bottles, and Chalupa wrappers. A disheveled bird dog, more rodent than canine, back paws on a chair and fore-feet on the table, laps up the remnants of Guapo Raul's abandoned chalupa. The cur carries on herself colonies of lice, mites, and the dust picked up from miles of Durango high-desert.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, completely distracted from their  hard day’s work on the rancho, as they watch the dog lap up the toxic snack.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  

Luna, the disheveled mutt (stupid dog talk is translated in parenthesis).

Yip, yip (Hmm. a subpar chalupa. Bold, with hints of raspberry, radiator coolant, and borax)

4 Lonely Cowboys at the table (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

Orale! This dog will die like Raquelita! We will have an asado tonight, no? She eats the poisoned chalupa of Guapo Raul!! Orale!

3 Lonely Cowboys at the bar (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

Si. Orale!

Still hungry, the mangy dog enters the men's room and sniffs a trail of chalupa droppings, leading her to the corpse of Raquelita in the urinal trough, a victim of Guapo Raul's chalupa. Luna proceeds to pounce on the dead woman's  stomach in the process of licking the remains of the Chalupa off  of  her face. A gurgling noise comes from Raquelita's pie-hole, and Luna tilts her head and sits down on her stomach, causing a stream of steaming already-consumed Chalupa to fly out of Raquelita and cover Luna.  Raquelita coughs as only a survivor from a terrible fate could.

Cue screaming violins

Raquelita

Luna! You are the Idiot Dog of the Sahara. Legend has it that only your heroics eclipse your profound stupidity. You have breathed life back into me with your filthy mouth. I thank you.

Luna, over-excited by the attention and the free meal, dashes in mad circles through the men's room as she urinates at the same time.

Raquelita

Luna, sit! There is no time for your estupidez. We must warn my brother before it is too late!

The revived wench and filthy mutt dash out of the saloon and into the sun-burnt, dusty village square smelling of urine and Chalupas. They see the Tres Primos surrounded by many banditos and one ninja. One cousin is standing all cool-like while  girl cousin looks at her I-phone and a less-muscular young man walks in circles on his toes, as if he has a wedgie.

Raquelita grabs the mutt by the scruff and they dive into a water trough.

Luna

Yip! (What the what?)

Raquelita (eyes widen with recognition of her dear nephews and neice)

Mi familia! 

Luna

Yip Yip (You mean to tell me that these three macho crime-fighting children are related to you?)

Raquelita gives Luna an evil glare. Luna whines and gives her a look that says, "well.."

Raquelita 

This whole dying and coming back to life in a urinal trough has caused me to forget the long rift I have had with mi familia.

Since I was a young campesina, my family has been a curse to my love life.

Luna

Yip yip (Poor you.)

From the soggy safety of the water trough, the forlorn barmaid and the mangy mutt watch the biggest primo struggle with the banditos and a ninja while practicing his improv technique.  

Raquelita

I can't take it any more!

Luna watches as her one and only partner in crime dashes out to  the fight , running exactly like Buddy the Elf in the movie Elf. She ends side by side with the ninja, doubled over and panting from her sprint from the water trough to the fight twenty feet away. The long lost aunt, however, goes un-noticed  by the three crime-fighters.

The girl taps at her Iphone while elbowing a bandito at the same time. The third primo stumbles onto a plunger-like device that really has no business being on the set of a Mexican Telenovela. 

The camera cuts to slow motion. Young girl drops her phone (slowly).

Talea (slowly)

Nicky, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Tigre (slowly)

Did you hear about the horse that entered a saloon......

Nicky (slowly)

Holy cannoli!

Nicky slips on a banana peel strategically placed by a production assistant. His feet in the air, he lands square on the plunger, causing an explosion that fills the village square with  dust, smoke, fire, and bits and pieces of banditos, ninjas, and Raquelita. Only  Los Tres Primos are left unscathed. 

Camera cuts to water trough. Only the murky chalupa-tinted water is left. 

Luna

Yip Yip! (What the what!!!)

Talea

Did you here something?

Tigre (sniffing )

I smell Chalupas

Nicky

And-sniff-urine?


Luna chomps down on Nicky's leg. Camera scans faces:  Talea, face as white as chalk, watches the dog try to dislodge her cousin's foot from his ankle. Tigre's face  cannot be seen because he is doubled over with laughter.  Nicky's face is contorted  with pain

Nicky (FInally shaking the dog from his foot )

What the what was that for?!?

Luna  (shivering with anger )

Yip! Grrr!  (You killed your aunt!)

Talea, who had been scouraging around her purse for the safety-kit, stops dead and drops  the purse.  Tigre, who had been wiping tears of laughter from his face, lets his hands drop to his sides. Nicky, who had been rubbing his injured ankle, drops to his  knees with shock. He gives a high-piched scream that somewhat takes away the dramatics of it all.

Cue screaming violins, then  Amor Asqueroso theme music.

Cue Purina Ugly Dog Chow commericial.

End Scene 8

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 7

ESCENARIO 7

"La Cascara del Platano"

Escrito por Tigre

DURANGO DURANGO, Mexico

FADE: Camera zooms in on a town square completely empty save for three people. One is an extremely muscular and well-known masked wrestler named, “Tigre.” The other man, less muscular, wears a cowboy hat and camo pants. Lastly, a normal young woman with an I-phone. 

Tigre is standing all-cool like while his manager, the young woman named Talea, is looking at her I-phone while the less-muscular man, Tigre’s towel boy, is walking around like he has a wedgie. 

TIGRE: Speaking in a fake Spanish accent.

Where eez he? Where eez the man I’m searching for? Where eez Raul?

NICKY: The wedgied one speaking Canadian

I searched all over town but I found nothing, eh?

TIGRE

Then I have lost the trail! 

TALEA: No accent, and reading from her I-phone

Actually, he’s in Czech Republic.

TIGRE

I can’t believe those idiots are posting their whereabouts on that silly blog! So easy to track them!!!

CAMERA zooms out to show the three cousins surrounded by banditos. And one Ninja. 

TIGRE

Looks like we’re going to have to fight our way out of this.

CAMERA shows Tigre giving the Ninja a roundhouse kick and proceeding to beat up many other banditos. Meanwhile, Nicky and Talea quickly bolt out of the way and Nicky, being wedgied klutz he is, slips on a banana peel and slides into an oddly placed plunger, triggering a strange and comedic chain reaction leading to a stockpile of dynamite to be activated. The dynamite proceeds to blow up the entire town square. Tigre walkes out of the smoke, victorious. He quickly puts his foot up on some debris and points eastward and announces ….

TIGRE

To the Czech Republic!!!

TALEA

I’ll order the plane tickets.

NICKY

I’ll get the luggage, eh?

Talea slaps Nicky so hard he falls over.

NICKY

Why’d you do that, eh?

TALEA

It’s a Telenovela. 

FADE OUT
CUT TO COMMERCIAL: Nueske's Applewood Smoked Canadian Bacon

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 6

Escenario 6

"Meo en Mis Pantalones"

Escrito por Sobrina Holly

Fade in: Lush green grass covers rolling hills dotted by gravemarkers. Here and there, crumbling stone crypts lie half-hidden in the ominous fog. Dramatic, scary music plays, as this is truly a dramatic and scary place.

Pepino: This is truly dramatic and scary place, Fournay. Are you sure that Montenegro woman is to be trusted? And what of that chemistry locura?

Fournier: Silence, mariachi, I already told you. I am the great journalist Ron Fournay; my sources are good. You know, there is a lesson to be learned here about listening the first time ...

(Cut to Pepino's eyes, widening in panic.)

Pepino: Estoy escuchando, I'm listening!

Fournier: Like I said, my sources are good and Ms. Montenegro is the best. She may be lost when it comes to chemistry, but she knows Farrell.

(Suddenly, a gust of wind howls through the graveyard and the dense fog swirls around the two men. Pepino grasps his sombrero just as it begins to fly off his egg-white bald spotted headed. It begins to drizzle, ominously.)

Pepino: Well then let's find this crypt your espía spoke of.

(The two men begin searching the graveyard, their shoes squeaking in the muddy ground. The drizzle intensifies into a downpour and raindrops begin to pool in the gringo mariachi's sombrero. Suddenly: a victorious shout, followed by dramatic organ music that rises sharply in anticipation. The camera pans to Fournay, who stands beside the oldest crypt in the yard. The crumbled facade almost obscures the name carved above the heavy, stone door. But as the camera swiftly zooms in, one can just make out the word "Farrell". The organ music reaches its peak.)

Pepino: The Farrell bastard! This is his family's crypt!

(Quite suddenly, a voice from off-camera speaks in a deep, manly-man way)

Voice: Si, you have found the Farrell crypt. I hoped you would, as I have been waiting in this dramatic and scary graveyard for your arrival. Now, señor, prepare to die.

(A figure steps out from behind the Farrell crypt. He is a 40+ year old handsome Mexican cowboy with leathery skin. A ten-gallon hat rests on his head, shielding his rugged face from the cold rain. The organ music returns.)

Pepino: Raul! (Cue terrified, azure eyes.)

Fournier: What is this? Why does this cowboy want to kill you, mariachi?

(Fournier recieves no answer, as Raul and Pepino embark on a fierce staring contest. The camera jumps from one man's eyes to another. One set of eyes are a deep blue and terrified, while the others are chocolate and murderous.)

Fournier: I demand you explain what is going on. Why must you kill the mariachi? We have right to know the truth!

(Quick cut to black.)

-- 

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 5

Escenario 5
"No Le Pegue al Pepino"
Escrito por Niece Abby

Fade In: Fog swirls around the bridge as the woman of average breast size slowly strolls towards the men. She is well dressed, her trench coat obviously a Michael Kors and her lipstick a dark MAC Russian Red. 

Woman: Yes, I'm sorry I am late. My midterms kept me at the University longer than I planned. Do either of you know any Chemistry? Knowledge of this subject forsakes me. 

Pepino Suave: What is this?! Another language and now these useless ramblings about chemistry? I came here for a reason and this is a waste of my time!

Fournier: Yes, Miss Bonnie Montenegro am I correct? We are here to ask you about a young child that has been wrongfully taken-

Bonnie: Stop! Of course I know why you're here! Who do you think I am?

Pepino Suave: ...Bonnie Montenegro...? (to Fournier) you just said that, right?

Bonnie: Fools! I spend my days at the University researching the legend of Will Farrell. When I'm not studying chemistry, of course. I know about his family and his work. If you want to find Will Farrell, I'm your gal.

Fournier: (to Suave) What did I tell you? My sources were correct.

Bonnie: Your sources were wrong to tell you I would help you.

Pepino: But why not? I thought you were the expert on all things Farrell and Chemistry. 

Bonnie: Not chemistry, that tontería confuses me! But yes I do know about Farrell 

Fournier: Then tell us! We have the right to know the truth! (this will become somewhat of a catch phrase for the reporter) 

Pepino: Why are you such a liar!? You bring us here for nothing!

Bonnie: (Slaps pepino. For several seconds the trio stand in silence as the woman calms down) FINE! I will tell you. You can find all the answers about Will Farrell in that cementerio across the bridge. There is a crypt with his family name on it. Go there. Or find the set his movie is shooting on. I recommend going to the crypt, however. That seems more dramatic and scary. Now leave me! I have equations to balance!

Pepino: (his face still red from the slap) One last thing, Ms Montenegro. Why did you slap me? 

Bonnie: (pauses for a moment to think) Well, my old friend. No one had slapped anyone in a while. It seemed it was time. 

Fade out as dramatic music plays and fog swirls. 

Recap: Amor Asqueroso

Amigos,

This weekend marks the fifth installment of the saga, "Amor Asqueroso".   Niece Abby will be providing this weekend's entertainment,  saving her sister Holly from being mangled to death by a printing press. Holly will do next week's episode 6 (or die).

Has the plot got you tangled? Is Mr. Suave really in eastern Europe with the famous Ron Fournay and a mysterious women with average breasts, or is it some kind of feverish nightmare? Will the linoleum queen of Lick Skillet, PA keep Will Ferrel's baby or send it away to Tito Sanchez' Home for Wayward Ugly Babies? And Guapo Raul, what did he do with the other chalupa? Where will the lonely cowboys empty their bladders while the cold corpse of SB Raquelita lay in the urinal trough? Will Madonna and President Obama wrangle over custody of the kidnapped child? Why hasn't anyone been slapped in the last 3 episodes, for crying out loud?  Finally, will Newt (Pepino Suave's loyal ass laden with sacks of standardized tests, vocabulary quizzes, and other superfulous data) ever make it to the Tijuana Land Fill to dump his load? Stay tuned...

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 4

Escenario 4

"Reportero Asqueroso"

By Garden City's own Lori Rumpz Fournier

Fade in after a commercial for tacos (“Why don’t we make the bottom of the shells flat?)

Pepino Suave:  It is just a rubber chicken for the little one.  Every child deserves a rubber chicken--even the bastard of the bastard Will Farrell!

All turn to look at the child.  But all they see is an empty rocking cradle.  Psycho music plays.

Pepino Suave:  The child!  The bastard has taken the bastard!

Fournier:  Huh?  Oh, Farrell has the baby?

Pepino Suave:  Try to keep up.  Senior President Obama you must lock up the White House…

Fournier:  …Lock down the White House.  If we can’t catch him before he leaves the building, I know where the bastard has taken the bastard!

Secret Service scrambles up and out of the room yelling orders to secure the premises.  Fade out to a commercial for Pace Picante Sauce (“NEW YORK CITY!!???)

-------

Fade in Pepino Suave and Fournier are standing on a very old bridge, complete with towers, cobblestones, crumbling bricks.  The fog swirls around them, causing the street lamps to give off a diffused yellow glow.

Pepino Suave:  Why did we come to this godforsaken cejilla?  Oh, and I’m hungry.  I don’t believe anyone has had us eat.

Fournier:  Patience.  This is what I do.  I am the great journalist, Ron Fourney.  My sources tell me the bastard Will Farrell is filming a movie here, in the Czech Republic.

(They hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the bridge, they cannot see who is coming but the footsteps sound ominous as they get louder.  A figure appears It is a woman, in a trench coat, wearing a fedora.  She has average breasts.)

Woman:  MÁTE OHEŇ?

Pepino Suave:  Oh, great!  A third language!

Fournier:  It’s been a long time…(he says to her as he leans forward to light her cigarette, the music swells)

Fade out to a commercial, a rousing bar scene of people in a bar wearing Lederhosen drinking Budweiser.

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 3

Escenario 3

By Uncle "Deadline"  Rocky

FADE: Gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers … and Red Wings logos. Quick cut to close-up of two white hands, trembling slightly. The left hand holds the baby and the right lifts the blanket to reveal a boy in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell.   

Cue: High pitched scream

CAMERA pulls back slowly to reveal a 6-foot, 2-inch black man with huge ears pulling white gloves from his hands as he cradles the elf-like child in his elbows. Cue: Scream intensifies to a nails-on-chalkboard screech, a combination of Beatles-crowd circa 1962 and 1,000 live-butchered hogs. President Barack Obama throws his white gloves to the ground. Camera pans to the presidential seal sewn into the paisley presidential rug; the eagle appears to hold the gloves in its talons. The president winces.

                                                                        OBAMA

Jesus Christ, Fournay! Would you stop screeching? You sound like a muriendo cerdo.

CAMERA cuts quickly to a wizened and bald reporter wearing a blue JC Penny’s sport coat flaked with dandruff and missing both buttons. There is a coffee stain on his ample belly and the zipper of his” Mom jeans” is open. Protruding from the zipper is the narrow end of his Mona Lisa tie. The reporter, Ron Fournay, is surrounded by a dozen other reporters pointing to his zipper.

                                                                        12 REPORTERS

Tee-hee

                                                                        FOURNIER

“My apologies, Dear Leader.”

OBAMA lifts the swaddled elf-like child above his head with both hands and, looking past Fournier and the other assembled reporters, stares into the camera. FADE to live picture of Obama on a 8000 Series 65’’ Samsung LED TV with a brushed titanium cabinet, swivel stand, full 1080p Resolution, Dynamic Contrast Radio, Clear Motion Rate of 960 and SRS TheaterSound HD 15 Watts X 2 Audio Channels.

Above the TV is a hand-drawn sign – a pizza-stained paper plate, actually – with the words, “Lefty’s” printed neatly with a black Sharpie marker. Several hip, handsome young people drinking cranberry juice and vodka can be seen watching the TV as the president addresses the nation from the Oval Office.

                                                                        OBAMA

My fellow Americans, behold the greatness that is this child. Do not fear his elf-like features. Do not question his origins. Do know that this swaddled child is the key to our fu …

The president is interrupted by a slamming door and loud rustling in the back of the Oval Office.  Camera fades to his angry face.

                                                            OBAMA

What the hell?

CAMERA cuts quickly to sunburned mariachi stumbling out of the gaggle of reporters. His is a horrid visage: Half-shaven, fully bald and cross-eyed, the intruder smells worse than the burro he rides into the People’s House. A full-breasted reporter looks at the mariachi perched on the burro, then at the pile of steaming “caca” on the rug. Her breasts heave as her dung-brown eyes repeat the cycle: Mariachi, caca, mariachi, caca … and so on.

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

“I am Pepino Suave and I come for the elf-like child!”

                                                            OBAMA

“What interest do you have in this child?”

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

This is the love child of my arch enemy, William Ferrell, and his big-breasted secretary.

                                                            OBAMA

What right do you have to this child?

                                                            PEPINO

I was sent by our Madonna

                                                            OBAMA

Oh, boy. Not another Catholic controversy. This is not the kind of change I believe in, Senor Suave. You cannot have this child, not after what Michelle and I went through to bring him into our family.

                                                            PEPINO

Then I shall take the child!

The music swells to histrionic heights as the camera cuts to a closeup of Pepino’s right hand, drawn close to the holster on his hip, as his finger flex into a fist. Then relax. Flex. Relax. Flex. Relax and … as he reaches to the holster, the camera pans back to show 17 Secret Service agents aiming their guns at Pepino. Quick cut to three of them – in hyper-close-up – show the pores in their skin and beads of sweat dampening their mustaches.

                                                            17 SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

Drop it!!!

                                                            PEPINO

Never!

Camera from behind the gun-drawn agents shows Pepino in full pulling out of his holster a large, threatening … RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!

Music crashes to a stop and screens goes dark. Cue: High-pitched scream (or  1,000 hogs).