Escenario 13

"El Gnomo"

Escrito por Anna "La Hija" Rumpz

Camera zooms out, revealing the Thug Will Ferrell in a dark cell surrounded by garden gnomes.  He shows particular interest in a big-breasted she-gnome wearing a fake rhinestone tiara and lots of mascara.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  Oh, my decorative brethren!  If only you had been able to explain the purpose of my mission to that tired, cranky judge after I freed you from those unsightly flowers.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  He would not have understood, mi querida.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  You are right, mi amor.  But you do.  You understand.  Promise me that you will never reveal my whereabouts again.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  Of course not, nino, why would I?

Will Ferrell the Thug gives a relieved sigh.

Fade to a barren desert in Durango.  The gringo Mariachi rides in a red convertible.  He is not alone.  Zoom in.

Gringo Mariachi (reading a map--an incredibly dangerous thing to do when you are driving about 40 mph above the speed limit):  All right, Flower.  Which prison is it?

Roped, Big-breasted figure (voice full of malice):  It's the only one you will see out here, estupido:  gray, tall and with barbed wire fences.

The convertible soon putters to a stop in front of a tall, gray building with a barbed wire fence.  Gringo Mariachi enters with the roped-up Linoleum Queen.

Gringo Mariachi:  I am here to visit Will Ferrell, my . . . (short pause) step-brother.  Yeah, step-brother.  This is his sister-in-law.

Weary-looking guard (checks clipboard):  I am sorry, it appears that Mr. Ferrell was bailed out two days ago by . . . Mrs. Quinn Meulolee.  He left behind several elf-like creatures, although strangely enough he would not leave the prison without the big-breasted one.  Would you like to take the ones he left behind?

Gringo Mariachi:  No thank you, kind sir.  (Walks back to car, where a thought strikes him).  HEY, Quinn Meulolee . . . that spells Linoleum Queen!!

The Linoleum Queen starts to run-hop thru the Durango desert as she is still bound by the ropes.  Gringo Mariachi grabs her.

Gringo Mariachi:  Tell me the truth now, you got that, amiga? 

The Linoleum Queen nods, eyes wide.

Gringo Mariachi (slowly and carefully):  Where is Will Ferrell?  Do not send me on another wild goose chase.

Linoleum Queen:  He is in Nurnberg, Germany filming a movie under the alias "Friedrick Heil."  That's all I know, I swear to you.

Gringo Mariachi (miserably):  N-o-o-o-o!  You have got to be kidding me!!!  I do not speak German.  I have to travel all the way across the planet so that Will Ferrell the Thug's thievery may be avenged? All because you bailed him out.  After I take care of the Thug Will Ferrell, I'll be back to deal with you.  

Zoom out skyward as Gringo Mariachi despairs piteously.