Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 7

ESCENARIO 7

"La Cascara del Platano"

Escrito por Tigre

DURANGO DURANGO, Mexico

FADE: Camera zooms in on a town square completely empty save for three people. One is an extremely muscular and well-known masked wrestler named, “Tigre.” The other man, less muscular, wears a cowboy hat and camo pants. Lastly, a normal young woman with an I-phone. 

Tigre is standing all-cool like while his manager, the young woman named Talea, is looking at her I-phone while the less-muscular man, Tigre’s towel boy, is walking around like he has a wedgie. 

TIGRE: Speaking in a fake Spanish accent.

Where eez he? Where eez the man I’m searching for? Where eez Raul?

NICKY: The wedgied one speaking Canadian

I searched all over town but I found nothing, eh?

TIGRE

Then I have lost the trail! 

TALEA: No accent, and reading from her I-phone

Actually, he’s in Czech Republic.

TIGRE

I can’t believe those idiots are posting their whereabouts on that silly blog! So easy to track them!!!

CAMERA zooms out to show the three cousins surrounded by banditos. And one Ninja. 

TIGRE

Looks like we’re going to have to fight our way out of this.

CAMERA shows Tigre giving the Ninja a roundhouse kick and proceeding to beat up many other banditos. Meanwhile, Nicky and Talea quickly bolt out of the way and Nicky, being wedgied klutz he is, slips on a banana peel and slides into an oddly placed plunger, triggering a strange and comedic chain reaction leading to a stockpile of dynamite to be activated. The dynamite proceeds to blow up the entire town square. Tigre walkes out of the smoke, victorious. He quickly puts his foot up on some debris and points eastward and announces ….

TIGRE

To the Czech Republic!!!

TALEA

I’ll order the plane tickets.

NICKY

I’ll get the luggage, eh?

Talea slaps Nicky so hard he falls over.

NICKY

Why’d you do that, eh?

TALEA

It’s a Telenovela. 

FADE OUT
CUT TO COMMERCIAL: Nueske's Applewood Smoked Canadian Bacon

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 6

Escenario 6

"Meo en Mis Pantalones"

Escrito por Sobrina Holly

Fade in: Lush green grass covers rolling hills dotted by gravemarkers. Here and there, crumbling stone crypts lie half-hidden in the ominous fog. Dramatic, scary music plays, as this is truly a dramatic and scary place.

Pepino: This is truly dramatic and scary place, Fournay. Are you sure that Montenegro woman is to be trusted? And what of that chemistry locura?

Fournier: Silence, mariachi, I already told you. I am the great journalist Ron Fournay; my sources are good. You know, there is a lesson to be learned here about listening the first time ...

(Cut to Pepino's eyes, widening in panic.)

Pepino: Estoy escuchando, I'm listening!

Fournier: Like I said, my sources are good and Ms. Montenegro is the best. She may be lost when it comes to chemistry, but she knows Farrell.

(Suddenly, a gust of wind howls through the graveyard and the dense fog swirls around the two men. Pepino grasps his sombrero just as it begins to fly off his egg-white bald spotted headed. It begins to drizzle, ominously.)

Pepino: Well then let's find this crypt your espía spoke of.

(The two men begin searching the graveyard, their shoes squeaking in the muddy ground. The drizzle intensifies into a downpour and raindrops begin to pool in the gringo mariachi's sombrero. Suddenly: a victorious shout, followed by dramatic organ music that rises sharply in anticipation. The camera pans to Fournay, who stands beside the oldest crypt in the yard. The crumbled facade almost obscures the name carved above the heavy, stone door. But as the camera swiftly zooms in, one can just make out the word "Farrell". The organ music reaches its peak.)

Pepino: The Farrell bastard! This is his family's crypt!

(Quite suddenly, a voice from off-camera speaks in a deep, manly-man way)

Voice: Si, you have found the Farrell crypt. I hoped you would, as I have been waiting in this dramatic and scary graveyard for your arrival. Now, señor, prepare to die.

(A figure steps out from behind the Farrell crypt. He is a 40+ year old handsome Mexican cowboy with leathery skin. A ten-gallon hat rests on his head, shielding his rugged face from the cold rain. The organ music returns.)

Pepino: Raul! (Cue terrified, azure eyes.)

Fournier: What is this? Why does this cowboy want to kill you, mariachi?

(Fournier recieves no answer, as Raul and Pepino embark on a fierce staring contest. The camera jumps from one man's eyes to another. One set of eyes are a deep blue and terrified, while the others are chocolate and murderous.)

Fournier: I demand you explain what is going on. Why must you kill the mariachi? We have right to know the truth!

(Quick cut to black.)

-- 

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 5

Escenario 5
"No Le Pegue al Pepino"
Escrito por Niece Abby

Fade In: Fog swirls around the bridge as the woman of average breast size slowly strolls towards the men. She is well dressed, her trench coat obviously a Michael Kors and her lipstick a dark MAC Russian Red. 

Woman: Yes, I'm sorry I am late. My midterms kept me at the University longer than I planned. Do either of you know any Chemistry? Knowledge of this subject forsakes me. 

Pepino Suave: What is this?! Another language and now these useless ramblings about chemistry? I came here for a reason and this is a waste of my time!

Fournier: Yes, Miss Bonnie Montenegro am I correct? We are here to ask you about a young child that has been wrongfully taken-

Bonnie: Stop! Of course I know why you're here! Who do you think I am?

Pepino Suave: ...Bonnie Montenegro...? (to Fournier) you just said that, right?

Bonnie: Fools! I spend my days at the University researching the legend of Will Farrell. When I'm not studying chemistry, of course. I know about his family and his work. If you want to find Will Farrell, I'm your gal.

Fournier: (to Suave) What did I tell you? My sources were correct.

Bonnie: Your sources were wrong to tell you I would help you.

Pepino: But why not? I thought you were the expert on all things Farrell and Chemistry. 

Bonnie: Not chemistry, that tontería confuses me! But yes I do know about Farrell 

Fournier: Then tell us! We have the right to know the truth! (this will become somewhat of a catch phrase for the reporter) 

Pepino: Why are you such a liar!? You bring us here for nothing!

Bonnie: (Slaps pepino. For several seconds the trio stand in silence as the woman calms down) FINE! I will tell you. You can find all the answers about Will Farrell in that cementerio across the bridge. There is a crypt with his family name on it. Go there. Or find the set his movie is shooting on. I recommend going to the crypt, however. That seems more dramatic and scary. Now leave me! I have equations to balance!

Pepino: (his face still red from the slap) One last thing, Ms Montenegro. Why did you slap me? 

Bonnie: (pauses for a moment to think) Well, my old friend. No one had slapped anyone in a while. It seemed it was time. 

Fade out as dramatic music plays and fog swirls. 

Recap: Amor Asqueroso

Amigos,

This weekend marks the fifth installment of the saga, "Amor Asqueroso".   Niece Abby will be providing this weekend's entertainment,  saving her sister Holly from being mangled to death by a printing press. Holly will do next week's episode 6 (or die).

Has the plot got you tangled? Is Mr. Suave really in eastern Europe with the famous Ron Fournay and a mysterious women with average breasts, or is it some kind of feverish nightmare? Will the linoleum queen of Lick Skillet, PA keep Will Ferrel's baby or send it away to Tito Sanchez' Home for Wayward Ugly Babies? And Guapo Raul, what did he do with the other chalupa? Where will the lonely cowboys empty their bladders while the cold corpse of SB Raquelita lay in the urinal trough? Will Madonna and President Obama wrangle over custody of the kidnapped child? Why hasn't anyone been slapped in the last 3 episodes, for crying out loud?  Finally, will Newt (Pepino Suave's loyal ass laden with sacks of standardized tests, vocabulary quizzes, and other superfulous data) ever make it to the Tijuana Land Fill to dump his load? Stay tuned...

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 4

Escenario 4

"Reportero Asqueroso"

By Garden City's own Lori Rumpz Fournier

Fade in after a commercial for tacos (“Why don’t we make the bottom of the shells flat?)

Pepino Suave:  It is just a rubber chicken for the little one.  Every child deserves a rubber chicken--even the bastard of the bastard Will Farrell!

All turn to look at the child.  But all they see is an empty rocking cradle.  Psycho music plays.

Pepino Suave:  The child!  The bastard has taken the bastard!

Fournier:  Huh?  Oh, Farrell has the baby?

Pepino Suave:  Try to keep up.  Senior President Obama you must lock up the White House…

Fournier:  …Lock down the White House.  If we can’t catch him before he leaves the building, I know where the bastard has taken the bastard!

Secret Service scrambles up and out of the room yelling orders to secure the premises.  Fade out to a commercial for Pace Picante Sauce (“NEW YORK CITY!!???)

-------

Fade in Pepino Suave and Fournier are standing on a very old bridge, complete with towers, cobblestones, crumbling bricks.  The fog swirls around them, causing the street lamps to give off a diffused yellow glow.

Pepino Suave:  Why did we come to this godforsaken cejilla?  Oh, and I’m hungry.  I don’t believe anyone has had us eat.

Fournier:  Patience.  This is what I do.  I am the great journalist, Ron Fourney.  My sources tell me the bastard Will Farrell is filming a movie here, in the Czech Republic.

(They hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the bridge, they cannot see who is coming but the footsteps sound ominous as they get louder.  A figure appears It is a woman, in a trench coat, wearing a fedora.  She has average breasts.)

Woman:  MÁTE OHEŇ?

Pepino Suave:  Oh, great!  A third language!

Fournier:  It’s been a long time…(he says to her as he leans forward to light her cigarette, the music swells)

Fade out to a commercial, a rousing bar scene of people in a bar wearing Lederhosen drinking Budweiser.

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 3

Escenario 3

By Uncle "Deadline"  Rocky

FADE: Gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers … and Red Wings logos. Quick cut to close-up of two white hands, trembling slightly. The left hand holds the baby and the right lifts the blanket to reveal a boy in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell.   

Cue: High pitched scream

CAMERA pulls back slowly to reveal a 6-foot, 2-inch black man with huge ears pulling white gloves from his hands as he cradles the elf-like child in his elbows. Cue: Scream intensifies to a nails-on-chalkboard screech, a combination of Beatles-crowd circa 1962 and 1,000 live-butchered hogs. President Barack Obama throws his white gloves to the ground. Camera pans to the presidential seal sewn into the paisley presidential rug; the eagle appears to hold the gloves in its talons. The president winces.

                                                                        OBAMA

Jesus Christ, Fournay! Would you stop screeching? You sound like a muriendo cerdo.

CAMERA cuts quickly to a wizened and bald reporter wearing a blue JC Penny’s sport coat flaked with dandruff and missing both buttons. There is a coffee stain on his ample belly and the zipper of his” Mom jeans” is open. Protruding from the zipper is the narrow end of his Mona Lisa tie. The reporter, Ron Fournay, is surrounded by a dozen other reporters pointing to his zipper.

                                                                        12 REPORTERS

Tee-hee

                                                                        FOURNIER

“My apologies, Dear Leader.”

OBAMA lifts the swaddled elf-like child above his head with both hands and, looking past Fournier and the other assembled reporters, stares into the camera. FADE to live picture of Obama on a 8000 Series 65’’ Samsung LED TV with a brushed titanium cabinet, swivel stand, full 1080p Resolution, Dynamic Contrast Radio, Clear Motion Rate of 960 and SRS TheaterSound HD 15 Watts X 2 Audio Channels.

Above the TV is a hand-drawn sign – a pizza-stained paper plate, actually – with the words, “Lefty’s” printed neatly with a black Sharpie marker. Several hip, handsome young people drinking cranberry juice and vodka can be seen watching the TV as the president addresses the nation from the Oval Office.

                                                                        OBAMA

My fellow Americans, behold the greatness that is this child. Do not fear his elf-like features. Do not question his origins. Do know that this swaddled child is the key to our fu …

The president is interrupted by a slamming door and loud rustling in the back of the Oval Office.  Camera fades to his angry face.

                                                            OBAMA

What the hell?

CAMERA cuts quickly to sunburned mariachi stumbling out of the gaggle of reporters. His is a horrid visage: Half-shaven, fully bald and cross-eyed, the intruder smells worse than the burro he rides into the People’s House. A full-breasted reporter looks at the mariachi perched on the burro, then at the pile of steaming “caca” on the rug. Her breasts heave as her dung-brown eyes repeat the cycle: Mariachi, caca, mariachi, caca … and so on.

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

“I am Pepino Suave and I come for the elf-like child!”

                                                            OBAMA

“What interest do you have in this child?”

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

This is the love child of my arch enemy, William Ferrell, and his big-breasted secretary.

                                                            OBAMA

What right do you have to this child?

                                                            PEPINO

I was sent by our Madonna

                                                            OBAMA

Oh, boy. Not another Catholic controversy. This is not the kind of change I believe in, Senor Suave. You cannot have this child, not after what Michelle and I went through to bring him into our family.

                                                            PEPINO

Then I shall take the child!

The music swells to histrionic heights as the camera cuts to a closeup of Pepino’s right hand, drawn close to the holster on his hip, as his finger flex into a fist. Then relax. Flex. Relax. Flex. Relax and … as he reaches to the holster, the camera pans back to show 17 Secret Service agents aiming their guns at Pepino. Quick cut to three of them – in hyper-close-up – show the pores in their skin and beads of sweat dampening their mustaches.

                                                            17 SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

Drop it!!!

                                                            PEPINO

Never!

Camera from behind the gun-drawn agents shows Pepino in full pulling out of his holster a large, threatening … RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!

Music crashes to a stop and screens goes dark. Cue: High-pitched scream (or  1,000 hogs).

Amor Asqueroso/Super Bowl Edition

Complementary Superbowl edition

by Beth "Gumby" Gamba

Pepino Suave pops up through the trap door in the floor of the stage Madonna performed on during the Super Bowl half time show,  disguised as a Bull Fighter and luring her with a cape and a can of Modelo.  He puts his cheek to hers in a dramatic embrace while snarling in her ear through gritted teeth that he wants to know the whereabouts of the baby she secretly adopted through the Montage Talent Agency… the baby no one else knows is the love child of Will Ferrell and Big Busted Secretary.  Organ erupts loudly as camera cuts to close up of the back of a baby car seat.  Camera cuts quickly to gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers.  Next close up of two white hands yanking baby out of seat.  Undraped baby reveals boy baby in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell (rhymes with Purell)!   

Cue:Screams from high pitched violins resemble the theme from Psycho.

Amor Asqueroso/Escenario 2.5

Escenario 2.5

(Ghost written by:  P.Suave for Aunt Kelly)

Outskirts of Town

Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on the barkeep as she looks in horror/love at Raul, the large-manly-man vaquero who just demanded to know where her brother Pepino Suave, might be found so that he might kill him. He carries with him two chalupas as an "icebreaker".  Clearly, his thoughts are not on socializing;.  he is driven to kill the former Gringo Mariachi great Pepino Suave for some long-forgotten feud.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, completely distracted from their  hard day’s work on the rancho, as they watch this drama unfold.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  

Small Breasted Raquelita

Like I said at the end of Escenario 2, Raul, I do not know where my leetle brother eez. 

Large, Manly Man Vaquero (Raul)

Hush, my little berenjena, I have brought you a chalupa, so that you may enjoy. Let us share the fruits of Taco Bell ™, no?

4 Lonely Cowboys at the table (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

He said "chalupa"!

3 Lonely Cowboys at the bar (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

"I have brought you a chalupa."  he said!

Small Breasted Raquelita

Callense, Brutos! Cannot a man bring a girl a chalupa! Does a little chalupa make him less of a man?

All Cowboys busting a gut now, falling off their chairs in a fit of laughter

Rual

Never mind those cobardes, mi princesa. Come, share with me the bounty of Taco Bell™

Raquelita, batting her eyes, and licking her lips 

O.k. 

Raul takes Raquelita's petite hand and walks her through the saw dust-strewn saloon floor toward a table next to the men's room. He sits her down, places the chalupas between them. He slowly unwraps a chalupas without taking his eyes from hers. He carefully slides a chalupa toward the small breasted Raquelita.

Raul

Take. Buen Provecho.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Gracias, Raul. But you, are you not going to enjoy a chalupa from the harvest of  Taco Bell™ ?

Rual

No, a man waits until the lady is satisfied.

All Lonely Cowboys, in unison

Tee-hee

Raquilita eats the chalupa in two bites. She wipes her mouth with the hem of her dress and releases a gassy belch. She pauses and stares at Raul - her face shifting from devotion to horror like some kind of mad mood ring. Foam seeps from her mouth as her eyes roll back. She struggles to stand up and begins to lurch around the saloon like a drunk, bouncing off  lonely cowboys and saloon furniture like Aunt Kelly doing a cat imitation at a holiday gathering. Finally, she collapses in the urinal trough, lifeless.

Cue organ music

Lonely Cowboys, in unison

ORALE!!!!

Raul (pointing at the lonely cowboys)

I will find that maldito Pepino Suave if it the last thing I do.  What do you know of this pendejo, you cowards!

Lonely Cowboys, in unison

Why, he is a public school teacher. He traded his mariachi band for a chalk board and a pinche rubber chicken. He lives between the mountains in El Norte. People magazine claims he's out to kill Will Ferrell for stealing his screenplay concept. We cannot verify that last factoid. Orale.

Camera turnes from the lonely cowboys to the lifeless body of Raquelita sprawled in the urinal, then to the face of Rual, the extremely macho, handsome desperado.

Organ music goes nuts

Cue Brazilian Butt Lift Workout commericial.

End Scene 2.5

Amor Asqueroso

Escenario 2
(Written by:  Inky)

Outskirts of Town

Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on the barkeep as she slowly wipes down the bar.  Clearly, her thoughts are elsewhere.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, tired from a hard day’s work on the rancho.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  

Small Breasted Raquelita

What will it be boys?  Another round?  asks the 40+ year-old tired barkeep in a monotone, uninspired voice

Random Cowboy at Bar

Si.

Ominous music begins to fade in.  Camera pans to bright blue saloon doors.  The image of black cowboy boots with spurs and faded jeans, can be seen below the doors.  A ten-gallon hat is in view above the doors.  An extra large, manly-man hand is placed on the left door.  Enter El Vaquero.  His left hand rests atop his holster.  In his right hand are two full, large, juicy, chalupas.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Her gasp is heard off camera.  Raul.

El Vaquero

Si. Responds the 40+ year old handsome Mexican cowboy with leathery skin.

Small Breasted Raquelita

You have returned.  Again, she shows no emotion.

El Vaquero

Si.

All in the bar remain silent and captivated.  Their eyes dance between Raquelita and El Vaquero.  El Vaquero takes two steps into the saloon.  The doors swing behind him.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, we need to speak.... in private.

Small Breasted Raquelita

This is private, Raul.  This is as private as I will get with you.  My trust for you exists no more.  She says showing some emotion in her voice for the first time and spitting on the dusty floor.

Enter a brown and white mutt of a dog with floppy brown ears.  The dog begins to yap, yap, yap at the Vaquero as he leaps in the air to munch on the chalupas.  El Vaquero’s chocolate eyes are reflected in the dog’s.  It is clear they are both angered.  Soon, the other cowboys in the bar stifle laughs as they observe the ring of urine the dog has left around El Vaquero.  Including a few drops directly on the rattle-snake skin boots.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, get this dog away before I shoot him.  he says as he shakes the urine from his boot in a very manly-man way.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Luna, vaya!  She shouts at the mutt as her azure eyes, revealing her European heritage, plead with the pup.  The dog slowly backs away looking suspiciously at El Vaquero.  The dog sits in the corner and whimpers.

El Vaquero

OK.  If that is how the game is now played.  I will speak to you in front of these strangers.  Raquelita, I am searching for a man I think you know.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Raul, you and I both know, I’ve known many men.  Her voice is now more angered.

El Vaquero

This is true.  But this man I speak of, I believe, is your brother... Pepino Suave.

Their eyes lock.  Organ music begins.

Small Breasted Raquelita

I have no brother.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, we both know you have many brothers.

Small Breasted Raquelita

This Pepino Suave you speak of, he is not my brother.

El Vaquero

I must find him.  I must kill him.  I must know.  Where is your brother, Pepino Suave, the bald Mariachi Gringo?  Tell me now, or you will die a public death by hanging.

Small Breasted Raquelita

I do not know this man!  She shrieks, now full of emotion as tears begin forming in her blue eyes.

Suddenly, the music crescendos as the camera closes in on Small Breasted Raquelita’s terrified eyes.  Hold for three seconds.  The music stops.  In the distance, a cock crows.  

All in the room gasp.

Cue Abdominales Poderosos commericial.

End Scene 2

Amor Asqueroso

Escenario 1
(Submitted by P. Suave)

FADE IN::

INT. SUNSET AVENUE, LOS ANGELAS, CALIFORNIA - MID DAY

A sunburned mariachi saunters down the street. His haggard looking donkey trails behind him. He pauses in front of the office of Montage, a talent management company. The mariachi reads over the building directory posted next the the building entrance.
He ties his burro to the no parking sign, enters the building. He removes his sombrero, revealing an egg-white bald spot topping his pink face, and azure eyes that give away his European lineage  .
He approaches the receptionist, the former Linoleum Queen of Lick Skillet, PA, a town known for its linoleum production.  

Gringo Mariachi

I am Pepino Suave. I am a Mariachi. I am here to see the bastard William Ferrell. He stole my movie concept. He should prepare to die.

Big Busted Secretary

I am sorry, Mr. Suave. Mr. Ferrell is on location for his next film. How can I help you?

She looks at her reflection in the blank computer monitor, adjusting her eyeliner with a pinkie finger

Gringo Mariachi

You can not help me. This is not women's work. A man steals from another man, he must prepare to die. I demand an audience with the bastard-son-of-a-puta Ferrell!

The young, full figured receptionist reaches back behind her head with her right hand, the side she preferred to use when mixing linoleum cement back home, and swings it 180 degrees full-force, meeting the Gringo Mariachi's sun burned left cheek with all the power of a former small town talent show champion. The Gringo Mariachi's head swings hard to the right. He puts a hand to the blazing flesh and looks off camera for five full seconds. He slowly looks up at the vivacious secretary.

Gringo Mariachi

Ouch! Mami, that hurt! Why did you do that, little flower? Have I offended you?

The curvy office help stands up, eyes swollen and red from crying, and points directly at the dusty intruder. She yells:

Big Busted Secretary

Yes! Yes you have! Is it not women's work to ask a man if he needs help?!  Is it not women's work to spend three hours fixing oneself up in order to be presentable? Is it not? IS IT NOT?!!!!!

Hysterical, the secretary crosses her arms over her very ample chest and collapses, racked with sobs, her mascara dripping down her face. The Gringo Mariachi holds his sombrero nervously in his hands, at loss for words...but never at a loss for Mariachi-style chivalry.  He throws his dusty sombrero to the floor, and leaps over the counter. Grabbing the secretary in his arms, he gently wipes errant mascara from her creamy skin with the thumb of a calloused hand.

Mariachi Gringo

You must not cry, my flower. I mean you no harm. It is just that I must kill your employer, the evil William Ferrell, Hijo de la Gran Puta. He stole my movie concept. He must prepare to die.

The voluptuous secretary looks up into the Gringo Mariachi's crinkly little eyes, and holds a teary-eyed gaze that would make a Sandra Bullock cry-scene seem plastic. She does that looking from one crinkly eye to the next crinkly eye, then to the chin thing that has a neat affect. Her voice full of mucous and emotion, she sputters:

Big Busted Secretary

Prepare to die?

Gringo Mariachi

Yes, my little dulce, the pinche Ferrell must prepare to die.

Big Busted Secretary

But...

Gringo Mariachi

But what, my remolancha?

The big breasted secretary turns to the camera, still gripped in the arms of the skinny, balding mariachi.

Cue organ music:

Big Busted Secretary

I am carrying Mr. Ferrell's baby!

Big busted secretary buries her head into the gringo mariachi's bony chest. Organ music goes steroidal, as the camera cuts to the Gringo Mariachi, his face twisted into a tortured mass of wrinkles, showing all the anguish and loneliness of a former mariachi-turned-public- school-teacher. His loyal donkey brays in the background.

Cut to commercial.

End Escenario 1:  Amor Asqueroso

El Famoso Mariachi Gringo

Nuestro Protaganista/Ensayista

Telenovela Rules

• Each participant will submit a scene when it is their turn in queue (see last entry).
• Each participant has one week to produce their scene (some flexibility here).
• If a participant neglects to post a scene, a scene will be posted by the author of this blog in its place, and the procrastinating participant will be a character featured in the scene who is cuckolded by his wife,  disowned by his parents, charged a hefty overdue fee at the library, and dies a horrible death, only to reappear miraculously in a future scene and killed again - even more horribly.
• Each scene should mimic the telenovela style - over-the-top drama, big breasts, lots of yelling.
• Each scene should flow into the next, as much as possible (even if an author has to stretch a bit)
• Submissions should be sent to: tim.fournier@yahoo.com. I will post submissions to this blog as soon as they are received.
• Participants are urged to subscribe to this blog (see upper right corner of the blog).

The Pitch

Friends and Family,

Here's my pitch:

A Spanish-style soap opera cobbled together by the collaborative efforts of a group of  people.  This proposal is inspired by Lori's success in the past to have us electronically collaborate on US presidents, geography, etc. As well, the telenovela has become an evening staple in our household, which mocks the drama encountered at the office, at the DMV, and while watching Aunt Kelly "be a cat" during holiday gatherings. 

With the spirit of Lori's brainchild in mind (no pun. ok, pun), and with the knowledge that the telenovela is a clandestine favorite of any warm blooded American, I urge you to join in this creative effort  - urge your "peripheral penguins": the Smurfies, Inkies, Pixies, Butches, Goobers, oddball neighbor, Rick Argus, inbred cousin to participate, as well.

Project Working Title: Amor Asqueroso (Disgusting Love)

Your obligation to the project:

When it is your turn in the queue, you must contribute a scene to the telenovela script. The only stipulations are: 1) that your scene flows in some way from the previous scene, and leaves a dangling thread from which the next participant can tie in to their scene. 2) Let's shoot for one submission each weekend 3)There is no other criteria, beside the fact that your scene should mimick in some way the over-the-top, big-breasted drama of a true telenovela.

Consequence for non-participation:

Attendance to Ink's First Guitar Recital and attendance to the Zion Lutheran Church's annual Easter Vigil-palooza - both taking place on the same looooooooooooooooooooooooooong weekend.

You in? In!!!!!!!!! Cool!

Tentative queue (with suggested themes/tips):

Yours Truly (washed-up, middle-aged gringo mariachi star teaches wayward youth (Los Sweat Hogs)

Ink (this is Univision, not broadway. Love you)

Kelly (Cinderella-eque theme. Protagonist wins the heart of a lion tamer).

Talea (J. Beiber camio)

Mom F. (what's the diagnoses for love?)

Dad F. (may be ghosted)

Lor (remember script must remain at the 5th grade reading level)

Rock (remember spell check)

Holly (older man meets real young rising star in the dog-eat-dog Detroit publishing world)

Abby (sorority girls gone [mildly, sweetly, chastely] wild.)

Tyler (can't wait - an explosion and a banana-peel-prat-fall guaranteed)

Mike (remember, in any romance scene, each character must have one foot on the floor)

Rose (just as the story-line gets boring, in come the mob wives!)

Becca (Girl meets boy eunuch)

Nick (Have mom look it over before pressing "send". Then send me your first draft by alternate email. This is gonna be sweet)
Joe D. ("Don Hoser")
Martha D.
Chris Angelari

*please send me names and emails of friends/family who wish to participate. All are welcome.

** Finished product will be sent to Univision.  Proceeds from the sale of the script will be put in a coffee can, buried in Mom and Dad's patio 

planter, and not opened until the next occasion for a Pay the Man tournament.

*** The first submission, Scene 1 of Amor Asqueroso, will sent by the end of this weekend.  Don't worry, it will be worth the wait.

Andale! LET"S DO IT!

El Ensayista,

P. Suave