El Sol Me Pica

Pepinos Suave sits here, tapping out these words, sweating more than a cold glass of cherry kool-aid on a mid-day asphalt driveway. I'm sweating alot, for those who don't drink cold glasses of kool-aid, or who are not familiar with mid-day asphalt driveways on a Cuke County July afternoon.
On your average day, no matter the weather, Pepino Suave has the fortitude of a super heroe. Ask Pepina. Alas, my kryptonite, my aquilis (?) heal, my weakness is what I'm trying to say, are temperatures above 90 degrees farenheit when the humidity index is higher than water itself. When gills break out on my neck. When parts of me I didn't know I own chafe and burn like the coals of a thousand fires. When Li'l Pepinita fails to plead a plaintive and constant, "Let's wrestle". When it really is hotter than Hades. These are the times ol' Pepinito tosses aside his superheroe bravado, slumps his narrow shoulders, shuffles along, whining a mantra of , "Man, its hot", or "Hay pero que calor". Fans, the heat takes the Yippee out of me Skippee. Lo siento mucho. It's just that it is so hot...

Stay tuned for an account of how Pepino Suave endured carribean summers, or conversely, how the locals restrained themselves from pummeling a whiny, sweaty, bald headed gringo.

Hace demasiado calor,

Pepino Sudando

Hay Pero Que Calor

Cuke County is sweltering this weekend. We're all going to the YPCA for a swim this afternoon. Come join us...

Aguantando el calor,

Peppy

Bobble Heads

The hard working white collars at Bob El Gorila's Mobile Laboratory of Yippee-Skippe Games, Songs, and Stories have decided it is time to shamelessly exploit the magic of the Pepino Suave Experience (this concept is trade marked, you sticky-fingered thieves). Besides bumper stickers, giant foam pickles, coffee mugs, and desk calendars, we now offer Suave family bobble heads. Pepino, Pepina, and Li'l Pepinita are forever imortilized with plastic and springs in this series of action figures made by DeSoap laborers in China, and offered at a reasonable price to you, the few on this troubled planet with enough disposable income to enable a market for bobble heads and other useless crap.
Don't call 1-800-PEPINOS yet, as our inventory is stuck in the New York customs. A customs official named Mohamed found our products to be of a "suspicious" nature. Privatization...

Gozando del Mercado Libre,

Pepino "Negociante" Suave

El Vaso Me Queda Medio Lleno

The world is going to Hades in a handbasket. Gas prices are almost as expensive as anywhere else in the world. Our globe is warming. Folks in the MiddleEast aren't playing nice. The sky is falling, apparently.
Still, I get a kick out of the nice stuff that endures in the midst of chaos. Like tonight's cool, breezy sunset. Or Li'l Pepinita's piano playing wafting out into the neighborhood. Or the lady who smiled and waved when I let her into my lane during obnoxious traffic on A Pain Avenue. Or the kids in the neighborhood who just want to have fun, and have it no matter what. Or unsolicited "Te quieros" from sweet Pepina. Or a bunch of laughs and catching up with old pals. Or good food and drink without fail, daily. Or a hope-filled, take -your-breath-away view over the Cuke Valley ridge at sunrise from the back of the Walmart parking lot. Or parents close enough you can bike to, or drop what your doing and get ice cream with. Or grandparent's eyes when they see their grandchildren. Or all the good that overcomes all the bad, all the time.

Que les aproveche,

P.S.

Pete & Joe

This weekend, Pepinoville was graced with the presence of two very old friends of Pepino Suave, Pete & Joe. Pete & Joe, known as Los Dos de Detroit in these parts, came for their bi-annual visit to a Pepinoville sporting event and late-night euchre-fest. It being summer and all, we went to see the Pepinoville Pickles play Dayton Dills over at the ballpark. It was probably one of the most eventful of all their visits in the past, as we were accompanied by Bompa Suave and Abuelita Suave, the parents of the author of these words. As well, Li'l Pepinita tagged along in a courageous effort to overcome her pathological fear of mascots. She chose to enter the arena of her personal horrors flanked by the hulking frames of Pete, Joe, and Bompa, three fine examples of good nutrition and regular exercise. Or regular nutrition and some exercise, depending on the hulk. I digress. It was a wise move on Li'l Pepinita's part, but unnecesary. She took to this challenge like she did those of her first two-wheel bike, her big-girl bed, sleeping without Lamby, and eating pork rinds. With a lot of whining and squirming at first, before you knew it she was yelling at the mascots, running the aisles with Pete in order to catch a free
t-shirt thrown by the giant muppets. She watched a little of the game, too.
Pete & Joe were a big help. Not just with my daughter's mental health, but also by cleaning up what would usually be left overs of our pre-game bbq. As well, Pete engaged me in a lively discussion of the DeSoap family influence on everything here in Pepinoville. Seems that folks on the other side of the state are pretty curious about a DeSoap heir running for governor. Pete says all they know about DeSoap is that he is very rich cause his Dad made a bundle on a deal where you don't really sell soap, you just get a lot of other people to get a lot of other people to sell soap, and it's is like some big pyramid or something. I said that's all we know about the guy, too, and that every other stucture in Pepinoville has got his name on it.
Anyway, our team won inspite of giving up four runs in the first fifteen minutes of the game, the park was packed with a season record amount of fans, and there were fireworks at the end of the game. Best thing, though, was that a local bread company gave away a loaf (or two) of bread to every fan leaving the park after the fireworks. By the time our gang got back to the BompaMobile (thanks again for driving, Dad), we had nine loaves of bread at our feet. Someone was even heard to exclaim, "Joe, you're stepping on my bread."
As we played euchre well into the next day, we snacked on the spongy bread, comforted with the fact that the company claims that its enriched wheat flour and preservatives would provide us with a handful of essential vitamins. And iron. Pepina scorched a loaf or two in the morning for french toast. Pete and Joe headed out of town with a couple loaves on the dash board. Life was good.
Indeed, Pete and Joe blessed us with more than just the fine company of cherished friends. They bequeathed us with a wisdom earned from a veritable lifetime of television veiwing. The boys explained to us, this during a closely contested euchre game, that Scooby-Doo and his young charge Scrappy-Doo had a bond that goes much deeper than the normal crime fighting partnership. We feel like a veil has been lifted from our eyes...
Usually retuning in the winter to watch the Pepinoville Penguins hit the puck around the DeSoap Memorial Arena, Los Dos de Detroit promise an extrodinary summer return in two weeks to visit Cuke County's famed beaches. We'll keep a loaf of bread in the freezer boys.

Scooby-Dubee-Doo,

P. Suave

Pepina Writes!

Yes, you heard right - Pepina published an entry today on her world famous blog "Mi Vida En Durango". Double click on "Dear Pepina" under "Pepino's Picks" on your right. She reports on some fantastic emotional progress made by our Li'l Pepinita.
May her scars one day heal, and the counseling bill be reasonable...

Un esposo enemorado,

Pepinaso

La Familia Musical

Our Southern Ohio readers have crippled our costumer relations bureau with a flury of calls, letters, emails, and thrown rocks regarding an omition in our report about the Suave Family Reunion. Seems that the author of these fair words neglected to report about the Suave Family Sing-Along. After being berated by dear Pepina over the last 398 years about our lack of musical prowess, we struck back. While she was visiting the lavatory, we broke into a ditty from Pepina's favorite soundtrack, Grease. She re-entered the dining area as a table-full of Suaves belted out, in several keys (most off), "You're the One That I Want". Like the trooper she is, Pepina picked her jaw up off the ground and joined in, as we promptly stopped singing. We're so funny....

Pobre Pepina,

P. Suaveson

Hace Mucho

After many days and 2,240 miles la familia Suave has returned to Casa Pepino in beautiful Pepinoville. Here is the sequence of our journey:

• Far Southern Ohio for the Suave Family Reunion. We gathered with kin in the foothills of Appalachia for three days of swimming and nature hikes (er, hike. Sorry blood. We'll watch nature from the window next year. My bad. Calomine for the itchies, little ones).
• Upstate New York to provide cheap labor. Pepino Suave dropped off the Pepino Chicks, Pepina and Li'l Pepinita, at Tia Agronima's Orchard/Fruit Stand. There they visited and toiled along with Tia Agronima, Tio Tractor, Prima Bailarina, Primo Lap Top, and Prima Pennsylvania. Li'l Pepinita even got to work the cash register at the fruit stand where fruit is sold at the same prices as cars. $2,476.08 for a quart of Slap Knee Rasberries. By the way, I love how fruit is named for the market: sugar snap beans, honey nut squash, dew drop peas. I made these up, but you get the idea. The market made like a gazilion dollars, so they''ll probably break even. I can understand, now, why farming needs to be heavily subsidized by our generous government 'cause you can make 3 bazillion dollars on a plot of sun kissed soy beans, but still have to walk barefoot in the snow. In the summer. I'm glad I teach for food....
• Upstate Vermont, where English is a second language. Lots of French spoken along our Northeast border, friends. I attended a teacher conference in a hotel that could have been anywhere in the U.S., on a street that could have been anywhere in the U.S. I really didn't feel I was in Vermont until I drove a few miles to Lake Champlain, where I camped until it rained. Then I felt like I was in Vermont, so I moved to the reknown Ho Hum hotel, down the street from the conference, where I felt like I was anywhere in the U.S. again.
• Side note/rage: Conference was tres excellent. More on that later. Let's talk about hotels, 'cause they got the same thing going as agriculture. Get this, it is a teachers conference, so we got a slim budget, 'cause we squander all our money for bulletin board decorations, and chalk. We decided not to get coffee as part of the hotel package. You know why? I'll tell you why: $16.00 a pot of joe is what these hotels are charging. Yea. And they charge the same for a stale, boxed lunch if you choose to cater that, too. $16 a box lunch. What a racket. I got my coffee from the gas station and stomped right by the registration counter with an air of " I'll show you", my hand gripping a styrofoam cup of steaming coffee, some dripping over the side 'cause I was stomping. I'm going to write my congressmen. I should charge that rate for each lesson. Each kid. Hey....

Stay tuned for more on our week, as well as a review on Papa Pepina, the caretaker of the Suave Estate while we were gone. Be good.

Tu querido vegetal,

P. Suave

Llegamos

We're baaaaaaack! Gotta go check the calabaza patch. We'll update you later...

Hogar, dulce hogar,

Pep Si

Checking In

Found an internet cafe in the hotel of my conference. Thought I'd drop in and say hi.
Pepino got washed out. Been camping since I dropped the Pepino Chicks off at Tia Agronima's orchard. While they provide cheap, albiet documented, labor, I am kicking back at a teacher's conference in the Northeast. In order to curb expenses, Bob el Gorila has asked me to go third class. So I camped on the shore of Lake Champlain until I was rained out last night. Got a room at the Ho Hum motel (I'm not kidding. I'll take a picture of the sign and post it). Watched lots of CNN and ate what was left in the cooler.
Will fill you on all our adventures later. Especially once Pepina and Li'l Pepinita debrief me on their work as share croppers (I hope to pick them up tomorrow afternoon). Gotta go. Last call for the coffee and donuts....

Desde el Motel Ho Hum,

Pepino Andareago

Gone Camping

The pitbulls are fed, the trap door over the piranah tank is greased, and the triggers on the motion-sensored rifles are set on "hair".
Happy Independence, America. We're going camping....

Gozando de la vida,
Pepino Perdido

P.D. Can't promise any entries 'till we get back. Sorry America.. We'll talk soon.

Garage Sale

I'm exhausted. I've been running a garage sale for the last 1.5 days. Our garage sale was supposed to last 3.0 days, but our competition was just too stiff. Not only was all of metropolitan Pepinoville holding garage sales, but some of the best junk was being offered by our very neighbors on Calle Calabaza. We couldn't compete.
By noon yesterday I had all our household overflow packed into the Pepino Suave Express, ready for a trip to Goodwill.
My best costumer was a retired lady who bought one of our old phones for two bits. I tossed in another old phone for free. It was then that the old lady asked me, "You want to know what I do with these phones?" I couldn't very well say, "No", so I just waited for the inevitable. She tells me she sells 'em on Ebay for 25 bones a piece. Either she's on a fine prescription, or she is a savvy entrepreneour (sp?). My thought is, if you're buying old phones on Ebay, for any price, you must be on a fine prescrition, too. Crazy garage sale people...

Walgarage,

Pep Si

Beer Buffet

I entered the corner gas station with the paperwork for the loan on a tank of gas, and to my surprise I saw a salad bar. No, this was no salad bar. Why, it had no sneeze guard. I crept closer, rustling the chip display and stumbling over the full-sized beer wench (I know. I do a double take, too, when I see the 6'2'" bikini-clad blonde with a beverage in her hand. She's not real. She's so fake. She's cardboard.). Sure enough, it was a 12 foot-long beer buffet. Twelve feet of iced alcoholic beverages. I gazed at the sweating cans and bottles reclyning on a bed of crushed ice and reflected on all who had sacrificed to make this real. Harp music replaced the classic rock station, a gentle glow replaced the flickering floresence; until the cashier, truly bigger than life, shook me from my meditation with:
"I got one in my basement."
Seems the cashier, a young lady that could easily be a Monty Python Player, scored a buffet from the beer distributer and put it in her basement, next to the ping-pong table.
Says its a riot.

Pepina, if your reading this, never a world about your spending habits if you happen to find a beer buffet at a garage sale.
'Nuff said.

Sin buffet,

P. S Out.

Trifecta

Pepina, my beloved spouse, achieved what most bargain shoppers can only hope for - the Thrift Shopper's Trifecta, 2006. Yes, her ever-lastn' effort to find a good buy paid off this week, big time. Like the uncommon triple play of baseball, Pepina's trifecta unfolded so quickly, it took until bedtime for Yours Truly to figure out the immensity of Pepina's accomplishment. Let me lay it out here for you, Dear Reader(s):

Pepina's Thrifty Trifecta (or Triple Crown)

• A 7:00 a.m. wake up in order to begin a forty-mile round trip to her school to buy $3.58 worth of stuff that a retiring colleague was selling and had not used during the last 768 years of her teaching career. Now Pepina gets to store $3.58 of the ol' school marm's stuff for the next 768 years of her teaching career. Phenomenal. Doesn't stop here...
• Pepina drives her Asian Exress for a full week, or 3,876.908 miles, on an empty tank until gas prices reach an all time high ($3.10), then fills up the tank. Backward speculation at its best. Brillant girl.
• Finally, upon shutting down our garage sale for the night (after having sold a few dollars of our household surplus), Pepina goes kitty-corner across the street to attend Pepinoville's 85th Tupperware party of the calendar year (82 of which have been held on our humble street, Calle Calabaza). Amongst the giggles, gossip, and girly gab, Pepina managed to acquire 40 clams worth of burping beverage containers. Sheeesh. Out with the old, in with the new. Tupperware. Put Tupperware in line with Amway of the booths in hell ol' Pepino Suave will be forced to visit if I don't attain The Great Reward. Pepino praying....

On behalf of Bob el Gorila and all that is his, we congratulate Pepina on her (expensive) achievement. We love you.

Con poco plata,

Pepino Pobre