Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 5

Escenario 5
"No Le Pegue al Pepino"
Escrito por Niece Abby

Fade In: Fog swirls around the bridge as the woman of average breast size slowly strolls towards the men. She is well dressed, her trench coat obviously a Michael Kors and her lipstick a dark MAC Russian Red. 

Woman: Yes, I'm sorry I am late. My midterms kept me at the University longer than I planned. Do either of you know any Chemistry? Knowledge of this subject forsakes me. 

Pepino Suave: What is this?! Another language and now these useless ramblings about chemistry? I came here for a reason and this is a waste of my time!

Fournier: Yes, Miss Bonnie Montenegro am I correct? We are here to ask you about a young child that has been wrongfully taken-

Bonnie: Stop! Of course I know why you're here! Who do you think I am?

Pepino Suave: ...Bonnie Montenegro...? (to Fournier) you just said that, right?

Bonnie: Fools! I spend my days at the University researching the legend of Will Farrell. When I'm not studying chemistry, of course. I know about his family and his work. If you want to find Will Farrell, I'm your gal.

Fournier: (to Suave) What did I tell you? My sources were correct.

Bonnie: Your sources were wrong to tell you I would help you.

Pepino: But why not? I thought you were the expert on all things Farrell and Chemistry. 

Bonnie: Not chemistry, that tontería confuses me! But yes I do know about Farrell 

Fournier: Then tell us! We have the right to know the truth! (this will become somewhat of a catch phrase for the reporter) 

Pepino: Why are you such a liar!? You bring us here for nothing!

Bonnie: (Slaps pepino. For several seconds the trio stand in silence as the woman calms down) FINE! I will tell you. You can find all the answers about Will Farrell in that cementerio across the bridge. There is a crypt with his family name on it. Go there. Or find the set his movie is shooting on. I recommend going to the crypt, however. That seems more dramatic and scary. Now leave me! I have equations to balance!

Pepino: (his face still red from the slap) One last thing, Ms Montenegro. Why did you slap me? 

Bonnie: (pauses for a moment to think) Well, my old friend. No one had slapped anyone in a while. It seemed it was time. 

Fade out as dramatic music plays and fog swirls. 

Recap: Amor Asqueroso

Amigos,

This weekend marks the fifth installment of the saga, "Amor Asqueroso".   Niece Abby will be providing this weekend's entertainment,  saving her sister Holly from being mangled to death by a printing press. Holly will do next week's episode 6 (or die).

Has the plot got you tangled? Is Mr. Suave really in eastern Europe with the famous Ron Fournay and a mysterious women with average breasts, or is it some kind of feverish nightmare? Will the linoleum queen of Lick Skillet, PA keep Will Ferrel's baby or send it away to Tito Sanchez' Home for Wayward Ugly Babies? And Guapo Raul, what did he do with the other chalupa? Where will the lonely cowboys empty their bladders while the cold corpse of SB Raquelita lay in the urinal trough? Will Madonna and President Obama wrangle over custody of the kidnapped child? Why hasn't anyone been slapped in the last 3 episodes, for crying out loud?  Finally, will Newt (Pepino Suave's loyal ass laden with sacks of standardized tests, vocabulary quizzes, and other superfulous data) ever make it to the Tijuana Land Fill to dump his load? Stay tuned...

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 4

Escenario 4

"Reportero Asqueroso"

By Garden City's own Lori Rumpz Fournier

Fade in after a commercial for tacos (“Why don’t we make the bottom of the shells flat?)

Pepino Suave:  It is just a rubber chicken for the little one.  Every child deserves a rubber chicken--even the bastard of the bastard Will Farrell!

All turn to look at the child.  But all they see is an empty rocking cradle.  Psycho music plays.

Pepino Suave:  The child!  The bastard has taken the bastard!

Fournier:  Huh?  Oh, Farrell has the baby?

Pepino Suave:  Try to keep up.  Senior President Obama you must lock up the White House…

Fournier:  …Lock down the White House.  If we can’t catch him before he leaves the building, I know where the bastard has taken the bastard!

Secret Service scrambles up and out of the room yelling orders to secure the premises.  Fade out to a commercial for Pace Picante Sauce (“NEW YORK CITY!!???)

-------

Fade in Pepino Suave and Fournier are standing on a very old bridge, complete with towers, cobblestones, crumbling bricks.  The fog swirls around them, causing the street lamps to give off a diffused yellow glow.

Pepino Suave:  Why did we come to this godforsaken cejilla?  Oh, and I’m hungry.  I don’t believe anyone has had us eat.

Fournier:  Patience.  This is what I do.  I am the great journalist, Ron Fourney.  My sources tell me the bastard Will Farrell is filming a movie here, in the Czech Republic.

(They hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the bridge, they cannot see who is coming but the footsteps sound ominous as they get louder.  A figure appears It is a woman, in a trench coat, wearing a fedora.  She has average breasts.)

Woman:  MÁTE OHEŇ?

Pepino Suave:  Oh, great!  A third language!

Fournier:  It’s been a long time…(he says to her as he leans forward to light her cigarette, the music swells)

Fade out to a commercial, a rousing bar scene of people in a bar wearing Lederhosen drinking Budweiser.

Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 3

Escenario 3

By Uncle "Deadline"  Rocky

FADE: Gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers … and Red Wings logos. Quick cut to close-up of two white hands, trembling slightly. The left hand holds the baby and the right lifts the blanket to reveal a boy in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell.   

Cue: High pitched scream

CAMERA pulls back slowly to reveal a 6-foot, 2-inch black man with huge ears pulling white gloves from his hands as he cradles the elf-like child in his elbows. Cue: Scream intensifies to a nails-on-chalkboard screech, a combination of Beatles-crowd circa 1962 and 1,000 live-butchered hogs. President Barack Obama throws his white gloves to the ground. Camera pans to the presidential seal sewn into the paisley presidential rug; the eagle appears to hold the gloves in its talons. The president winces.

                                                                        OBAMA

Jesus Christ, Fournay! Would you stop screeching? You sound like a muriendo cerdo.

CAMERA cuts quickly to a wizened and bald reporter wearing a blue JC Penny’s sport coat flaked with dandruff and missing both buttons. There is a coffee stain on his ample belly and the zipper of his” Mom jeans” is open. Protruding from the zipper is the narrow end of his Mona Lisa tie. The reporter, Ron Fournay, is surrounded by a dozen other reporters pointing to his zipper.

                                                                        12 REPORTERS

Tee-hee

                                                                        FOURNIER

“My apologies, Dear Leader.”

OBAMA lifts the swaddled elf-like child above his head with both hands and, looking past Fournier and the other assembled reporters, stares into the camera. FADE to live picture of Obama on a 8000 Series 65’’ Samsung LED TV with a brushed titanium cabinet, swivel stand, full 1080p Resolution, Dynamic Contrast Radio, Clear Motion Rate of 960 and SRS TheaterSound HD 15 Watts X 2 Audio Channels.

Above the TV is a hand-drawn sign – a pizza-stained paper plate, actually – with the words, “Lefty’s” printed neatly with a black Sharpie marker. Several hip, handsome young people drinking cranberry juice and vodka can be seen watching the TV as the president addresses the nation from the Oval Office.

                                                                        OBAMA

My fellow Americans, behold the greatness that is this child. Do not fear his elf-like features. Do not question his origins. Do know that this swaddled child is the key to our fu …

The president is interrupted by a slamming door and loud rustling in the back of the Oval Office.  Camera fades to his angry face.

                                                            OBAMA

What the hell?

CAMERA cuts quickly to sunburned mariachi stumbling out of the gaggle of reporters. His is a horrid visage: Half-shaven, fully bald and cross-eyed, the intruder smells worse than the burro he rides into the People’s House. A full-breasted reporter looks at the mariachi perched on the burro, then at the pile of steaming “caca” on the rug. Her breasts heave as her dung-brown eyes repeat the cycle: Mariachi, caca, mariachi, caca … and so on.

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

“I am Pepino Suave and I come for the elf-like child!”

                                                            OBAMA

“What interest do you have in this child?”

                                                            PEPINO SUAVE

This is the love child of my arch enemy, William Ferrell, and his big-breasted secretary.

                                                            OBAMA

What right do you have to this child?

                                                            PEPINO

I was sent by our Madonna

                                                            OBAMA

Oh, boy. Not another Catholic controversy. This is not the kind of change I believe in, Senor Suave. You cannot have this child, not after what Michelle and I went through to bring him into our family.

                                                            PEPINO

Then I shall take the child!

The music swells to histrionic heights as the camera cuts to a closeup of Pepino’s right hand, drawn close to the holster on his hip, as his finger flex into a fist. Then relax. Flex. Relax. Flex. Relax and … as he reaches to the holster, the camera pans back to show 17 Secret Service agents aiming their guns at Pepino. Quick cut to three of them – in hyper-close-up – show the pores in their skin and beads of sweat dampening their mustaches.

                                                            17 SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

Drop it!!!

                                                            PEPINO

Never!

Camera from behind the gun-drawn agents shows Pepino in full pulling out of his holster a large, threatening … RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!

Music crashes to a stop and screens goes dark. Cue: High-pitched scream (or  1,000 hogs).

Amor Asqueroso/Super Bowl Edition

Complementary Superbowl edition

by Beth "Gumby" Gamba

Pepino Suave pops up through the trap door in the floor of the stage Madonna performed on during the Super Bowl half time show,  disguised as a Bull Fighter and luring her with a cape and a can of Modelo.  He puts his cheek to hers in a dramatic embrace while snarling in her ear through gritted teeth that he wants to know the whereabouts of the baby she secretly adopted through the Montage Talent Agency… the baby no one else knows is the love child of Will Ferrell and Big Busted Secretary.  Organ erupts loudly as camera cuts to close up of the back of a baby car seat.  Camera cuts quickly to gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers.  Next close up of two white hands yanking baby out of seat.  Undraped baby reveals boy baby in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell (rhymes with Purell)!   

Cue:Screams from high pitched violins resemble the theme from Psycho.

Amor Asqueroso/Escenario 2.5

Escenario 2.5

(Ghost written by:  P.Suave for Aunt Kelly)

Outskirts of Town

Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on the barkeep as she looks in horror/love at Raul, the large-manly-man vaquero who just demanded to know where her brother Pepino Suave, might be found so that he might kill him. He carries with him two chalupas as an "icebreaker".  Clearly, his thoughts are not on socializing;.  he is driven to kill the former Gringo Mariachi great Pepino Suave for some long-forgotten feud.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, completely distracted from their  hard day’s work on the rancho, as they watch this drama unfold.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  

Small Breasted Raquelita

Like I said at the end of Escenario 2, Raul, I do not know where my leetle brother eez. 

Large, Manly Man Vaquero (Raul)

Hush, my little berenjena, I have brought you a chalupa, so that you may enjoy. Let us share the fruits of Taco Bell ™, no?

4 Lonely Cowboys at the table (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

He said "chalupa"!

3 Lonely Cowboys at the bar (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

"I have brought you a chalupa."  he said!

Small Breasted Raquelita

Callense, Brutos! Cannot a man bring a girl a chalupa! Does a little chalupa make him less of a man?

All Cowboys busting a gut now, falling off their chairs in a fit of laughter

Rual

Never mind those cobardes, mi princesa. Come, share with me the bounty of Taco Bell™

Raquelita, batting her eyes, and licking her lips 

O.k. 

Raul takes Raquelita's petite hand and walks her through the saw dust-strewn saloon floor toward a table next to the men's room. He sits her down, places the chalupas between them. He slowly unwraps a chalupas without taking his eyes from hers. He carefully slides a chalupa toward the small breasted Raquelita.

Raul

Take. Buen Provecho.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Gracias, Raul. But you, are you not going to enjoy a chalupa from the harvest of  Taco Bell™ ?

Rual

No, a man waits until the lady is satisfied.

All Lonely Cowboys, in unison

Tee-hee

Raquilita eats the chalupa in two bites. She wipes her mouth with the hem of her dress and releases a gassy belch. She pauses and stares at Raul - her face shifting from devotion to horror like some kind of mad mood ring. Foam seeps from her mouth as her eyes roll back. She struggles to stand up and begins to lurch around the saloon like a drunk, bouncing off  lonely cowboys and saloon furniture like Aunt Kelly doing a cat imitation at a holiday gathering. Finally, she collapses in the urinal trough, lifeless.

Cue organ music

Lonely Cowboys, in unison

ORALE!!!!

Raul (pointing at the lonely cowboys)

I will find that maldito Pepino Suave if it the last thing I do.  What do you know of this pendejo, you cowards!

Lonely Cowboys, in unison

Why, he is a public school teacher. He traded his mariachi band for a chalk board and a pinche rubber chicken. He lives between the mountains in El Norte. People magazine claims he's out to kill Will Ferrell for stealing his screenplay concept. We cannot verify that last factoid. Orale.

Camera turnes from the lonely cowboys to the lifeless body of Raquelita sprawled in the urinal, then to the face of Rual, the extremely macho, handsome desperado.

Organ music goes nuts

Cue Brazilian Butt Lift Workout commericial.

End Scene 2.5