El Antiguo 2006

!Adios 2006!

Que Dios les bendiga,

La Familia Suave

Fortress of Commerce

No entries since Christmas as Pepino Suave accidently snipped the phone wires while excavating the Casa Sauve basement. . No problem, as we had already planned an overnighter on the other side of the state. Sister Monja and brother Casi Italiano both hosted us in their respective abodes over the course of two days of eating, playing table games, and eating.
As we returned to Pepinoville today, we passed by the oasis of marketeering: the outlet malls. After miles of midwest, midwinter fields, barns, and greyness, the Pepino Suave Express II turned off the interstate and into the Fortress of Commerce. I dropped the Pepina Chicks off at the Children's Place outlet, and doubled back to the gas station to fill up the PS Express II. Upon returning to the Bastion of Bancruptcy, my savvy and spendthrift family had made the following purchases:

1 package socks
1 Martin Luther King big book, Spanish edition
1 baby bib set (for new baby of friends)
1 outfit for Li'l Pepinita

I am blessed with a dear Dutch wife.

Super tacano (you put the tilde over the "n"),

Peppy

Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas.

Paz y amor,

La Familia Suave

Soft-Boned Sibling Ode Part 2

Late last night, while sugar plums danced in Li'l Pepinitas dreams and Santa was leaving merchandise in parlors throughout the county, the Bob the Gorila Editiorial Board was alerted to the fact that a very important La Monja mishap was left out of Saturday's La Monja Mishap Montage (commonly, "Triple M").

Once Upon a Time...

(or, "The Part That Was Left Out the Other Day")

As a wee lass, La Monja munched on a hot dog. The wiener somehow bypassed her Chiclets and lodged in her wind pipe. We, her valiant brothers, half-panicked/half busted a gut watching our little sister turn deeper shades of blue by the second while we ate our potato salads. Her eyes bulged like those on the dead fish lying out front on the Lake Erie shoreline. Opa Suave, ever valiant and ready, swept into the gaggle of his offspring, as best a 300 pound man can sweep in, scooped up his little princess, tipped her upside down and held her ankles like a trained pediatrician, and whacked her little back like he was paid to (tip of cap to Aunt Nina). The frankfurter shot out of her little larynx like a missile, made a screaming b-line for the far end of the room, ricochet off the ceiling and rendered one of Granny's lamps useless. Li'l Monja sucked in air like a surfacing oyster diver (first thing that came to my mind. Actually, the second. The first was reference to the time Casi Italiano fell from a tree while we played Cowboys and Native North Americans Decendant of Asian Emmigrants No Offense and he landed flat on his belly. He forgot his name for half a day, and couldn't catch his breath; sounded like a stuck donkey. Another story, another day. See why I went with the oyster diver?), and started giggling like she had awoken in the middle of horseplay with her Daddy. Dinner continued as if a fork had dropped.

Back to your Christmas dinner, now.

Olvidadiso,

P. Yuletide Suave

La Noche Buena

Peace.

Con amor,

La Familia Sauve

Ode to a Soft-Boned Sibling

Greetings to you this, the Eve of Christmas Eve. Pepina and Pepinita lie snuggled on the futon, next to an unlit fire, in front of a glowing t.v. screen emitting scenes from "The Sound of Music", under the faux-wood beams of the Sala Sauve. I sit on the other side of the Suave compound, the East Wing, in front of a glowing computer screen emitting these parsed words, under a framed black-and-white of my brothers (Periodista and Casi Italiano) and I dressed in our snow suits and boots playing in a 60's era snow drift. We had snow drifts back then, pre-warming of the globe. Technically, sis La Monja was in the picture, as well, buried by her beloved brothers in the snow drift. She was always fun to play with, like a mouse is to a cat, or three.
Yes, these holidays give the Suave siblings a chance to look back to the good ol' days when we lived under the same roof, within the same half-acre, blessed with a vulnerable, easily manipulated, relatively light younger sister. We look back on pictures of yuletide past, and invariably find our youngest sibling wrapped in bandages, or pock-marked with bruises, or buried in sand, snow, or other material, smiling wanly in an attempt to feign enjoyment. She put an "s" in sport. Tortured sport.
To this day we enjoy provoking a wince from La Monja by merely moving a limb. Ever game, even as an adult, we have witnessed her don roller blades to blaze down Pepinoville's steepest avenue, only to stop herself with her face on a lawn. Asked if she was all right, she managed, "Don't touch me," in a breathless command, and remained curled up on a strangers damp front yard for a good while, muddy faced.
She has launched herself over Li'l Pepinita's baby stroller, and landed on the same face on a shopping mall's asphalt parking lot.
At a cousin's house, she bounced so enthusiastically on an exercise super-ball, she managed to carpet-burn that same face and incur a mild whiplash, to boot.
She accompanied Pepina and I road biking in Idaho a few years back. Hers was the bike with the handle bars askew, discovered thanks to La Monja's test piloting the drunken vehicle down ten miles of rocky Idaho trail. That same face kissed the trail several times, once hitting a flat rock so squarely with her mug, I thought for certain she wouldn't walk again, dead or alive. She did walk again, straight into a hospital with a head to foot poison ivy rash she contracted from missing the road at times, and falling into the brush.
This season, as we gather together my siblings and I, we'll see if La Monja is game for some snow boarding. Or maybe a snowball fight. Snow football?

Un hermano fiel,

P.S.

Sin Verguenzas (You put the dots over the "U")

I went to the YPCA for a workout yesterday.Yea, cucumbers workout; cool cucumbers, especially. Anyway, I didn't even get into the building when my pulse began to rise. I watched as a group of young men jumped into a van parked in a handicapped parking space. They didn't just jump into the van, they ran, pushing each other and laughing, from the building entrance to the van. What really shocked the gherkin was that there was one one of Pepinoville's Finest standing at the van writing a ticket. The youth didn't even acknowledge the officer. The driver put the van into reverse, and began to leave. The officer handed the ticket to the outstreched arm of the laughing driver as the van moved out of the well-marked handicapped space. As soon as the van was in drive, all the windows were rolled down, and all the occupants (without a hint of shame, embarrassment, or regret - heck, they were humored, if slightly indignant that they were seen as not above the law) began to hoot, holler, and mock the civil servant. They sarcastically asked her where the best donuts are, they accused that the officer wouldn't give the ticket to a law breaker of a different race, they swore, mocked the officer's size, weight, gender and ethnicity. They drove off.
Call me a dill, but I understand that parking in a handicap space, when you are not handicapped, is illegal. But that isn't even my reason for being absolutely astonished by what I saw; the lawbreakers instantaneously, like a reflex, saw themselves as the victims. Their most immediate synapse registered oppression, inequity, injustice.
They parked in a handicapped space!
Once the van pulled away, it revealed a small sedan. Outside of the driver's side door stood a man holding a ticket, flanked by his car and the handicapped parking sign. I wish I had a camera at that moment, because his face showed the contrition and mortification you would expect from someone caught doing something beyond the Bonehead Point on the Imbecile Scale of Idiocy (this scale is trademarked by Bob the Gorilla's Hey, Jerk, That's Just Not Right!Warehouse of the Incredulous, available at your local CukeMart stores). Hey, the blushing bonehead was still an idiot for parking there, no compassion from this rattled pickle, but at least he had a reasonable response to doing something unreasonable, if not stupid, selfish, and, again, illegal.
I won't even get into the issue that is all over the Cuke County newspapers, radio, and t.v.: a local high school principal was assaulted by a student while trying to break up a fight between students. The student's mom told reporters and police that if her daughter were going to be expelled, than the principal should be, too.
I'll just let that issue speak for itself. My blood pressure is way too high.

Que coraje,

Pepino Sin Justicia

Pepino Aleman

One of the finest actors to ever come out of the Bob el Gorila Not Ready for Snack Time Studio, Coco Loco (mas hermoso que George Clooney, mas intelegente que Einstien), gifted Sr. Suave with the fine pickled ornament you see above. Needless to say I was touched by the sentiment as well as the creativity. This ode to all Pepino will hang in a prominent part of the Suave Family tree, between Pepina's Field Hockey Girl ornament and L'il Pepinita's Cheetah Girls ornament.
The Pickle ornament is actually part of a German tradition. The ornament brings good luck to the child who finds it on Christmas morning. The lucky cherub who finds the gherkin gets a bonus gift from the Santa. !Dichoso!
To Coco Loco we send our sincerest thanks, with admiration for your considerable bilingual acting skills. Es obvio.

Con mucha admiracion,

Profesor Suave

Llega Santa

Santa passed by Pepinoville this morning! Li'l Pepinita even got to board the train and talk to the jolly traveler. Above are the pictures of the Big Guy's arrival, loitering, and departure; entirely out of sequence. Pepinoville citizens look forward to his return next week.

Me gustan las posadas,

P. Ho-Ho Suave

Ouch!

Se cae. Come nieve. Buen provecho.

Productos

The good people at Pepino Suave Yippee Skippee Multi-Lingual Games, Songs, and Stories (PSYSMLGSS) aren't in the business of endorsing products. Sure, we promote famous, beautiful, intelligent actors, like Rosa Rosada, Lindisima, and Coco Loco, but rarely do we ever endorse a manufactured product. O.K, maybe the odd rubber chicken, rubber chicken cannon, or rubber chicken toss-toy, but other than that, we try to stay out of the free market. Nonetheless, we feel compelled to share with you some products that our cherished readers need to know about:

Headblade - the headblade, and its line of accesories (HeadSlick Shave Cream, HeadSlick Head Balm, Head Slick Coffee Mug, etc.) are revolutionary tools for the hygiene of the face enriched/hair challenged. No longer is Pepina burdened with the weekly shaving of Pepino Suave's rock. Free at last! For more information, go to www.HeadBlade.com Shine on, crazy Bald Guy! Pepina won't know what to do with her free time...

Psylium Fiber - Two words that could be combined into one : Regularity. "Natural Bulk Producing Fiber" reads a descripition. Yours Truly couldn't describe it better, or more tactfully. Lowers cholestor, as well (just as an after thought).

Long Johns - From October to early April, these cotton classics are a Familia Suave staple.
Roof Rake - Keeping lake-affect (effect?) snow off the Casita Suave eves has become a winter ritual. Better that a roofing ritual...

Cereal (your own favorite brand) - Eaten as the dinner meal, cereal is quite a treat. Try it.

Un negociante sin verguenza* (o simplemente sin verguenza*),

Pepino "Coco Brillante" Suave

*If you truly need those two little dots over the "u" to make the world linguistic-cool (oops, did it again), use a washable marker on your monitor. We don't have the technological savvy to keyboard Spanish punctuation. Es obvio.

Ear Muffs

'Tis the season for carols. A big part of the Pepino Suave Yippy Skippy Christmas/Holiday Not to Offend People of Any Race, Creed, or Political Affiliation Spanish Program are songs of joy and thanksgiving. Some of the songs incorporated into our classroom are traditional, others are made-up on the spot, like last year's "Santa tumbo el chocolate" ("Santa knocked over the hot chocolate").
Yesterday, I kicked off the yuletide musical period with my somber quasi-baritone version of "Noche de Paz" ("Silent Night"). My debut performance was for my first graders, and, as they haven't heard the song yet, they sat in silence as I belted out an inspired performance.
Mind you , these kids come from as much a musical tradition as do my in-laws (known to break out in song as if life were a musical. "Pass the potatoes" could get you a few versus of an old Dutch derge). See my picture on the upper right of your screen. It is evidence of my only musical experience, my failed '05 Mariachi Frustrado Mexico Tour. I am sure you all recall this, my first and last concert tour of my Mariachi career (see my Autumn, '05 entries for concert dates and entries on the side bar at right). Pepino Suave made Spinal Tap look like a serious musical effort.
Anyway, the kids are eye-balling me as only first graders can; as if Pepino Suave were a rock star. I was unsettled, though, by the sweet little girl in the first seat, directly in front of me. This little girl is the picture of innocence; a girl who unfailingly listens, greets, helps others, and finishes her addition facts before recess. Simply put, she is 30-odd pounds of sugar and spice. The girl has no hint of worldliness, cynesism, sarcasm, or spite. Yet, as I start getting whipped up (around about the, "Armonias de Paz" part), little sweety frowns, lowers her head to her desk, covers her ears with her hands, and looks up at me like a cowering poodle.
Suddendly zapped from my musical revelry back into the reality that I have absolutly no musical inclination, and that I am singing in front of kids steeped in harmony and pantamoter (whatever), I soberly ask,
"Is my singing hurting your ears?"
Still clutching her ears, she nods her head forlornly, and is supported by classmates shouting, in chorus, "Si, si, Pepino Sauve, si. Your singing hurts our ears! Please stop. For the love of all that is Holy!"
Today I will use the CD player and the solid vocals of the famed Jose Luis Orozco.
Pepino Suave has left the building....

Canto como un sapo,

Pepino "El Mariachi Frustrado" Suave

Confirmado

Just in: Pepino Suave's two Friday schools, Uncle Paddy's Home for the Wayward Angels, and Blessed Breading are closed due to snow and ice.
Instead of my usual teaching threads, I will don my long undies and tackle the Sauve One-Car Driveway, as it accumulates what the Pepinoville Channel 8 Weatherman calls "precipitation".
May all those Pepino Suave friends, family, and oficionados not enjoying a snow cancelation be careful on those roads. Bring 'em back alive (and if you think of it, with a gallon of milk, loaf of bread, and a dozen eggs. Thanks).

Palando,

Peps

Dia de Nieve

As of this hour, Pepinoville metropolitan area is glazed with ice and snow, apparently with more to come. School closings are pouring in. Both Pepina's and Li'l Pepinita's schools are confirmed snowed out, yet my two schools are still flirting with the inevitable. Coffee cup in hand, I stare out the window...

Esperando,
Pepino S.