Escenario 13

"El Gnomo"

Escrito por Anna "La Hija" Rumpz

Camera zooms out, revealing the Thug Will Ferrell in a dark cell surrounded by garden gnomes.  He shows particular interest in a big-breasted she-gnome wearing a fake rhinestone tiara and lots of mascara.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  Oh, my decorative brethren!  If only you had been able to explain the purpose of my mission to that tired, cranky judge after I freed you from those unsightly flowers.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  He would not have understood, mi querida.

Will Ferrell the Thug:  You are right, mi amor.  But you do.  You understand.  Promise me that you will never reveal my whereabouts again.

Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish):  Of course not, nino, why would I?

Will Ferrell the Thug gives a relieved sigh.

Fade to a barren desert in Durango.  The gringo Mariachi rides in a red convertible.  He is not alone.  Zoom in.

Gringo Mariachi (reading a map--an incredibly dangerous thing to do when you are driving about 40 mph above the speed limit):  All right, Flower.  Which prison is it?

Roped, Big-breasted figure (voice full of malice):  It's the only one you will see out here, estupido:  gray, tall and with barbed wire fences.

The convertible soon putters to a stop in front of a tall, gray building with a barbed wire fence.  Gringo Mariachi enters with the roped-up Linoleum Queen.

Gringo Mariachi:  I am here to visit Will Ferrell, my . . . (short pause) step-brother.  Yeah, step-brother.  This is his sister-in-law.

Weary-looking guard (checks clipboard):  I am sorry, it appears that Mr. Ferrell was bailed out two days ago by . . . Mrs. Quinn Meulolee.  He left behind several elf-like creatures, although strangely enough he would not leave the prison without the big-breasted one.  Would you like to take the ones he left behind?

Gringo Mariachi:  No thank you, kind sir.  (Walks back to car, where a thought strikes him).  HEY, Quinn Meulolee . . . that spells Linoleum Queen!!

The Linoleum Queen starts to run-hop thru the Durango desert as she is still bound by the ropes.  Gringo Mariachi grabs her.

Gringo Mariachi:  Tell me the truth now, you got that, amiga? 

The Linoleum Queen nods, eyes wide.

Gringo Mariachi (slowly and carefully):  Where is Will Ferrell?  Do not send me on another wild goose chase.

Linoleum Queen:  He is in Nurnberg, Germany filming a movie under the alias "Friedrick Heil."  That's all I know, I swear to you.

Gringo Mariachi (miserably):  N-o-o-o-o!  You have got to be kidding me!!!  I do not speak German.  I have to travel all the way across the planet so that Will Ferrell the Thug's thievery may be avenged? All because you bailed him out.  After I take care of the Thug Will Ferrell, I'll be back to deal with you.  

Zoom out skyward as Gringo Mariachi despairs piteously.                 

      

Escenario 12

"El Juez Cansado y Malhumorado"

Escrito por Pixie "La Licensiada" Rumpz

As many--including Fournay, the gringo, and the trio of kids--search the world for the bastard Will Ferrell, a conversation is taking place at the Our Really Divine Lady of the Pure and Holy Souls Church in Los Angeles:

The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished):   I MUST know, Padre.  Where oh where is my baby?  Please, please have mercy.  Please tell me where he is.

The Padre (calmly, serenely):  It is too late.  The boy is in a good home.  In fact, I understand that the boy has met the President; been held by the President!  And, remember why you first came to me.  Remember why you asked for my help. 

The scene goes fuzzy--a flashback to not that long ago:

A Courtroom.  Present are a medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (who badly wants to be bigger breasted and would be if she wasn't stuck in a mediocre paying mid-level government job), a shady, ethically-challenged defense lawyer, a tired, cranky judge, and the defendant--the bastard Will Ferrell.   The medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair is making her summation to an avidly interested jury.  They clearly are captivated by her oratory prowess. 

Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (her voice rings thru the courtroom with the righteousness of 1000 angels):   The bastard Will Ferrell is but a common thief.  He has run roughshod thru this fine city stealing garden gnomes . . .

Suddenly there is an interruption and the bastard Will Ferrell stands up at defense table.

The bastard Will Ferrell (dramatically):  I stole nothing.  I merely was freeing my elf-like brethren from a life of standing uselessly in gardens, lonely and without purpose.  Yes, my brethren were decorative additions to city gardens everywhere but they want to be so much more  . . .        

The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily):  Silence bastard Will Ferrell.  Scummy defense counsel, control your client!  Medium breasted government lawyer with big hair, please, continue on with your riveting summation.   And, by the way, your medium sized breasts are lovely.  Just sayin'.  But, I digress.  Continue. 

Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (smirking at scummy defense counsel and then batting her eyelashes flirtatiously at the tired and cranky judge):  Thank you, Your Very Handsome and Very Strong Honor.  The bastard Will Ferrell thinks because he is a big star that he can do anything!  Why there is even talk that he once stole a screenplay from a bald gringo mariachi.   As is obvious, his urge to steal is all-consuming.  It cannot be controlled.  I beseech you:  Protect your property.  Protect your things.  You must find him guilty and send him to prison.

Suddenly there is another interruption in the courtroom as a very pregnant former beauty queen stands up in the gallery.

The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished, her big breasts heaving, her mascara running down her face from crying):  Do not send him to prison, I beg of you.  I am carrying his baby and I do not possess the skills or the intelligence to be a single parent.  I cannot raise this child on my own.  I have no money.  My baby needs its father--even if his father is a bastard.  Have mercy.    

The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily):  Someone slap that big breasted woman.  

A slap rings thru the courtroom as a nearby unidentified bystander slaps the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet.

The bastard Will Ferrell is found guilty.  As he is led out of the courtroom in handcuffs he shouts out to the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (who now is sporting a big red hand print on the side of her face).

The bastard Will Ferrell:   If a gringo comes looking for me, do not tell him I am in prison.  Send him on a wild goose chase.  Tell him I am on location for a film.  Tell him anything but never divulge where I am.  The gringo must never find me.  He must never find me.  Te amo, mi amor.  

Fade to a dark prison cell; camera is in close-up on the bastard Will Ferrell's face, seen thru the cold, gray, steel prison bars.  It appears he may be muttering to himself.

The bastard Will Ferrell:   . . . must not find me  . . . must not find me.    

Fade out. 

  

Amor Asqueroso/ Pasqua Edition

"La Locura"

Escrito por Nicky

Open scene in eastern Europe;  four Gringos, one senorita, and a mangy mutt. The men have scraggly beards, except for the pre-pubescent El Tigre, for he is a cowardly child. Ron Fournay, the famous journalist, is showing signs of insanity, writing indecipherable articles about flying bananas, and the second coming of Joseph Stalin. Talea, whom we have taken to calling La Criada, is trying desperately to find WiFi so she may tweet about her insane uncle, and some cucumber she couldn't figure out. El Tigre is passed out on the floor softly convulsing, apparently having a nightmare. Finally, El Centinela (Nicky) is keeping a silent vigil over all, watching for  Will Farrell, whom he and the great Pepino Suave abhorred. 
(Mumbling from El Tigre):  mmmmrrrrrrroooooohhhhhahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!




All of a sudden, three  pairs of hazard lights appear in the distance. El Centinela quickly awakens the others, except for El tigre and La Criada, because they would have been no help. Suddenly, all come to a conclusion that they should attempt to help any victims.

El Centinela  

Come on!  Vamanos!  Everybody let's go!

               So they swiftly jog towards the lights, wary of a trick from Will Ferrell. 

Fournay  

This clearly was a car wreck!  Is anyone still alive?  

They notice symbols on the vehicles, a hammer and sickle crossed over a red star. Fournay quickly identifies this symbol as the symbol of the Red Army.

Fournay 

"But the Red Army was disbanded post cold war, after the Berlin Wall fell! This cannot be!"


 A feminine grunt off to the left of Pepino is heard by all. An immediate silence falls among the group. Pepino goes to check it out.

Pepino

There is a woman here.  She is mangled very badly.  Look!  She is wearing Russian military fatigues!  The symbol stitched onto her chest is the symbol of the Red Army.  Look at her chest! there is a medal that shows her rank, which is obviously very high.

She is concious, but barely so. Pepino sends El Centinela to get La Criada and El Tigre. He quickly returns, but obviously something is wrong. He begins to explain to Fournay, who writes it all down,  then repeats it to all. El Centinela returns to the cemetery.

El Centinela

Where are El Tigre and La Criada?  Not that anyone cares...

He immediately returns to the scene of the crash. Pepino Suave notices a smile creep across the woman's face, but he figures she is loopy, due to her current state. They quickly decide to make a makeshift stretcher out of materials like seat covers and the axles of the cars. They carry her back to Durango in the stretcher, careful not to hurt her.


           When they arrive at the hospital the woman, or as they had taken to calling her, La Comandante, is rushed to the emergency room, where she is diagnosed with blindness in her left eye. They are not family so they are encouraged to leave. Following their departure from the hospital, they ask around town.

Pepino Suave

Have you seen any large groups, with two children following along?

They continue asking about anyone who looks overly suspicious, or who has the symbol from the cars on their clothes.  They are told that there has been a group of them who have left about an hour ago, which is just before El Centinela has journeyed back to the cemetery, but there had been two children with them, they seemed to be heading northwest. (cue sharp gasp and forewarning music). The group consults their magic map, who quickly breaks into song.

Map

(pleasantly singing) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map! 


They peer at the map, looking for anything that would be a reason to go northwest, and they see nothing, just a barren landscape; but then Fournay points out the small mountain that was not far from here, it was labeled Mt. Kilamaneverdoom. Here, they think, the men took their useless lackies!

El Fin 

Escenario 10

Scene 10
By Mom/Dad
Durango, Durango, Mexico

Cue Music: A slow country tune backed by Mrs. Soft Pickle strumming her instrument.

As the fog clears we see a park, in a small city, somewhere in North America.

       (Hint: it looks a lot like West Michigan and it is a Grand River.)

Two folding chairs are open near the river. In them sits an old man and his wife.

The music swells as a dark cloud gathers about them. A thunderous noise is heard growing louder and louder as a jet plane flies low over the river.

A large crate is dropped from the open door of the plane; a chute opens and the crate slowly drops to earth. S L O W L Y is starts to open.

The music continues to grow louder and faster.

Just as an opening appears in the crate a large explosion occurs sending the crate and the old couple sailing into the river.

Smoke and fog block the view as the scene and the music fade.

Cut to Commercial: The Loungemobile, the motorized lounge chair (easy-to-maintain canvas with aluminum frame, slant 6 mopar engine and a free cup holder if you order now)

Escenario 9

Scene 9
By Mike (tinkered with by P. Suave)
Durango, Durango, Mexico

The scene opens in the same dusty, old saloon. The same old cowboys sit in the same old chairs.

Once again a tall, dark figure appears at the door. The room is silent as the stranger enters the bar. The doors swing into the room and he takes a step inside. Suddenly he lurches forward and crashes to the floor. The crowd gasps as the handsome cowboy scrambles to his feet.

 

El Pelo: I'm O.K.!

 

A breeze blows through the saloon  as the cowboys shift in their seats. The stranger removes his 10-gallon hat and runs his thick fingers through a beautiful head of hair. He's wearing a white dress shirt and tight parachute pants. Think Fabio with man-boobs.

 

El Pelo: I am El Pelo and I'm here to avenge my sisters death. Actually her death, resurrection and death a second time. Where can I find the man with the deadly chalupas?

 

Cowboys: Tee hee

 

El Pelo: Don't toy with me. I must find him. My sister ate his chalupa and now she's dead. I understand he has a chalupa for my brother, Pepino Suave, also.

 

Cowboys: Tee hee

 

Off camera: Tio Miguel! Tio Miguel!

 

Three teens come running  from the bathroom

 

Three teens:. We're so glad you're here!. 

 

All three are runining with scissors, a Fournier family taboo. Alas, in the excitement at seeing their beloved uncle, they race to hug the hairball, accidently plunging their child-safe scissors into El Pelo´s ample man-boobs. Blood runs down his parachute pants as he turns to look in a mirror and takes his last breath. Tio Miguel falls to the floor like an over-filled, Lake Erie-grade sand bag. Camera cuts to three horrified teens with bloody child-safe scissors clutched in their hands. 

 

Cue: Nutty horror show violin music.

Cut to commercial: BreastBeGone: Male breast augmentation.