Amor Asqueroso

Escenario 2
(Written by:  Inky)

Outskirts of Town

Durango, Durango, Mexico

Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on the barkeep as she slowly wipes down the bar.  Clearly, her thoughts are elsewhere.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, tired from a hard day’s work on the rancho.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  

Small Breasted Raquelita

What will it be boys?  Another round?  asks the 40+ year-old tired barkeep in a monotone, uninspired voice

Random Cowboy at Bar

Si.

Ominous music begins to fade in.  Camera pans to bright blue saloon doors.  The image of black cowboy boots with spurs and faded jeans, can be seen below the doors.  A ten-gallon hat is in view above the doors.  An extra large, manly-man hand is placed on the left door.  Enter El Vaquero.  His left hand rests atop his holster.  In his right hand are two full, large, juicy, chalupas.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Her gasp is heard off camera.  Raul.

El Vaquero

Si. Responds the 40+ year old handsome Mexican cowboy with leathery skin.

Small Breasted Raquelita

You have returned.  Again, she shows no emotion.

El Vaquero

Si.

All in the bar remain silent and captivated.  Their eyes dance between Raquelita and El Vaquero.  El Vaquero takes two steps into the saloon.  The doors swing behind him.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, we need to speak.... in private.

Small Breasted Raquelita

This is private, Raul.  This is as private as I will get with you.  My trust for you exists no more.  She says showing some emotion in her voice for the first time and spitting on the dusty floor.

Enter a brown and white mutt of a dog with floppy brown ears.  The dog begins to yap, yap, yap at the Vaquero as he leaps in the air to munch on the chalupas.  El Vaquero’s chocolate eyes are reflected in the dog’s.  It is clear they are both angered.  Soon, the other cowboys in the bar stifle laughs as they observe the ring of urine the dog has left around El Vaquero.  Including a few drops directly on the rattle-snake skin boots.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, get this dog away before I shoot him.  he says as he shakes the urine from his boot in a very manly-man way.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Luna, vaya!  She shouts at the mutt as her azure eyes, revealing her European heritage, plead with the pup.  The dog slowly backs away looking suspiciously at El Vaquero.  The dog sits in the corner and whimpers.

El Vaquero

OK.  If that is how the game is now played.  I will speak to you in front of these strangers.  Raquelita, I am searching for a man I think you know.

Small Breasted Raquelita

Raul, you and I both know, I’ve known many men.  Her voice is now more angered.

El Vaquero

This is true.  But this man I speak of, I believe, is your brother... Pepino Suave.

Their eyes lock.  Organ music begins.

Small Breasted Raquelita

I have no brother.

El Vaquero

Raquelita, we both know you have many brothers.

Small Breasted Raquelita

This Pepino Suave you speak of, he is not my brother.

El Vaquero

I must find him.  I must kill him.  I must know.  Where is your brother, Pepino Suave, the bald Mariachi Gringo?  Tell me now, or you will die a public death by hanging.

Small Breasted Raquelita

I do not know this man!  She shrieks, now full of emotion as tears begin forming in her blue eyes.

Suddenly, the music crescendos as the camera closes in on Small Breasted Raquelita’s terrified eyes.  Hold for three seconds.  The music stops.  In the distance, a cock crows.  

All in the room gasp.

Cue Abdominales Poderosos commericial.

End Scene 2

Amor Asqueroso

Escenario 1
(Submitted by P. Suave)

FADE IN::

INT. SUNSET AVENUE, LOS ANGELAS, CALIFORNIA - MID DAY

A sunburned mariachi saunters down the street. His haggard looking donkey trails behind him. He pauses in front of the office of Montage, a talent management company. The mariachi reads over the building directory posted next the the building entrance.
He ties his burro to the no parking sign, enters the building. He removes his sombrero, revealing an egg-white bald spot topping his pink face, and azure eyes that give away his European lineage  .
He approaches the receptionist, the former Linoleum Queen of Lick Skillet, PA, a town known for its linoleum production.  

Gringo Mariachi

I am Pepino Suave. I am a Mariachi. I am here to see the bastard William Ferrell. He stole my movie concept. He should prepare to die.

Big Busted Secretary

I am sorry, Mr. Suave. Mr. Ferrell is on location for his next film. How can I help you?

She looks at her reflection in the blank computer monitor, adjusting her eyeliner with a pinkie finger

Gringo Mariachi

You can not help me. This is not women's work. A man steals from another man, he must prepare to die. I demand an audience with the bastard-son-of-a-puta Ferrell!

The young, full figured receptionist reaches back behind her head with her right hand, the side she preferred to use when mixing linoleum cement back home, and swings it 180 degrees full-force, meeting the Gringo Mariachi's sun burned left cheek with all the power of a former small town talent show champion. The Gringo Mariachi's head swings hard to the right. He puts a hand to the blazing flesh and looks off camera for five full seconds. He slowly looks up at the vivacious secretary.

Gringo Mariachi

Ouch! Mami, that hurt! Why did you do that, little flower? Have I offended you?

The curvy office help stands up, eyes swollen and red from crying, and points directly at the dusty intruder. She yells:

Big Busted Secretary

Yes! Yes you have! Is it not women's work to ask a man if he needs help?!  Is it not women's work to spend three hours fixing oneself up in order to be presentable? Is it not? IS IT NOT?!!!!!

Hysterical, the secretary crosses her arms over her very ample chest and collapses, racked with sobs, her mascara dripping down her face. The Gringo Mariachi holds his sombrero nervously in his hands, at loss for words...but never at a loss for Mariachi-style chivalry.  He throws his dusty sombrero to the floor, and leaps over the counter. Grabbing the secretary in his arms, he gently wipes errant mascara from her creamy skin with the thumb of a calloused hand.

Mariachi Gringo

You must not cry, my flower. I mean you no harm. It is just that I must kill your employer, the evil William Ferrell, Hijo de la Gran Puta. He stole my movie concept. He must prepare to die.

The voluptuous secretary looks up into the Gringo Mariachi's crinkly little eyes, and holds a teary-eyed gaze that would make a Sandra Bullock cry-scene seem plastic. She does that looking from one crinkly eye to the next crinkly eye, then to the chin thing that has a neat affect. Her voice full of mucous and emotion, she sputters:

Big Busted Secretary

Prepare to die?

Gringo Mariachi

Yes, my little dulce, the pinche Ferrell must prepare to die.

Big Busted Secretary

But...

Gringo Mariachi

But what, my remolancha?

The big breasted secretary turns to the camera, still gripped in the arms of the skinny, balding mariachi.

Cue organ music:

Big Busted Secretary

I am carrying Mr. Ferrell's baby!

Big busted secretary buries her head into the gringo mariachi's bony chest. Organ music goes steroidal, as the camera cuts to the Gringo Mariachi, his face twisted into a tortured mass of wrinkles, showing all the anguish and loneliness of a former mariachi-turned-public- school-teacher. His loyal donkey brays in the background.

Cut to commercial.

End Escenario 1:  Amor Asqueroso

El Famoso Mariachi Gringo

Nuestro Protaganista/Ensayista

Telenovela Rules

• Each participant will submit a scene when it is their turn in queue (see last entry).
• Each participant has one week to produce their scene (some flexibility here).
• If a participant neglects to post a scene, a scene will be posted by the author of this blog in its place, and the procrastinating participant will be a character featured in the scene who is cuckolded by his wife,  disowned by his parents, charged a hefty overdue fee at the library, and dies a horrible death, only to reappear miraculously in a future scene and killed again - even more horribly.
• Each scene should mimic the telenovela style - over-the-top drama, big breasts, lots of yelling.
• Each scene should flow into the next, as much as possible (even if an author has to stretch a bit)
• Submissions should be sent to: tim.fournier@yahoo.com. I will post submissions to this blog as soon as they are received.
• Participants are urged to subscribe to this blog (see upper right corner of the blog).

The Pitch

Friends and Family,

Here's my pitch:

A Spanish-style soap opera cobbled together by the collaborative efforts of a group of  people.  This proposal is inspired by Lori's success in the past to have us electronically collaborate on US presidents, geography, etc. As well, the telenovela has become an evening staple in our household, which mocks the drama encountered at the office, at the DMV, and while watching Aunt Kelly "be a cat" during holiday gatherings. 

With the spirit of Lori's brainchild in mind (no pun. ok, pun), and with the knowledge that the telenovela is a clandestine favorite of any warm blooded American, I urge you to join in this creative effort  - urge your "peripheral penguins": the Smurfies, Inkies, Pixies, Butches, Goobers, oddball neighbor, Rick Argus, inbred cousin to participate, as well.

Project Working Title: Amor Asqueroso (Disgusting Love)

Your obligation to the project:

When it is your turn in the queue, you must contribute a scene to the telenovela script. The only stipulations are: 1) that your scene flows in some way from the previous scene, and leaves a dangling thread from which the next participant can tie in to their scene. 2) Let's shoot for one submission each weekend 3)There is no other criteria, beside the fact that your scene should mimick in some way the over-the-top, big-breasted drama of a true telenovela.

Consequence for non-participation:

Attendance to Ink's First Guitar Recital and attendance to the Zion Lutheran Church's annual Easter Vigil-palooza - both taking place on the same looooooooooooooooooooooooooong weekend.

You in? In!!!!!!!!! Cool!

Tentative queue (with suggested themes/tips):

Yours Truly (washed-up, middle-aged gringo mariachi star teaches wayward youth (Los Sweat Hogs)

Ink (this is Univision, not broadway. Love you)

Kelly (Cinderella-eque theme. Protagonist wins the heart of a lion tamer).

Talea (J. Beiber camio)

Mom F. (what's the diagnoses for love?)

Dad F. (may be ghosted)

Lor (remember script must remain at the 5th grade reading level)

Rock (remember spell check)

Holly (older man meets real young rising star in the dog-eat-dog Detroit publishing world)

Abby (sorority girls gone [mildly, sweetly, chastely] wild.)

Tyler (can't wait - an explosion and a banana-peel-prat-fall guaranteed)

Mike (remember, in any romance scene, each character must have one foot on the floor)

Rose (just as the story-line gets boring, in come the mob wives!)

Becca (Girl meets boy eunuch)

Nick (Have mom look it over before pressing "send". Then send me your first draft by alternate email. This is gonna be sweet)
Joe D. ("Don Hoser")
Martha D.
Chris Angelari

*please send me names and emails of friends/family who wish to participate. All are welcome.

** Finished product will be sent to Univision.  Proceeds from the sale of the script will be put in a coffee can, buried in Mom and Dad's patio 

planter, and not opened until the next occasion for a Pay the Man tournament.

*** The first submission, Scene 1 of Amor Asqueroso, will sent by the end of this weekend.  Don't worry, it will be worth the wait.

Andale! LET"S DO IT!

El Ensayista,

P. Suave